Here’s How to Stop Watching Porn If You’re Addicted

Don't let it get out of hand...

CraveOnlineby CraveOnline
Photo: vm (Getty Images)

Everyone loves watching porn. Whoever says otherwise is either lying or actually not a human being, so this question could potentially be used sometime in the future to differ humans from evil aliens set upon destroying our imperfect world. Where were we? Yeah, porn. There are problems, however. According to some people (mostly girlfriends) watching porn is bad for you and needs to stop immediately. So, if you’re tired of nagging on a daily basis and want to do something about it, here’s a comprehensive guide on how to stop watching porn forever (or at least until the break-up).

Face Your Problem

As it is the case with all other addictions in the world, the first step towards solving a problem is actually admitting you have one. Since we’re talking about porn here, it’s hard to see what the actual problem is. You have to go beyond what’s visible though. You have to know about the dire consequences that watching porn has. For example:

– Watching too much porn can make you go blind. (Truth be told, watching anything too much will eventually lead to blindness, we’re sure, but seeing how porn falls under anything category, our claim is rather legit).

– These movies reinforce unrealistic expectations. (Yes, we’ve come a long way since running away from an oncoming train in the theater was a thing, but some people still have problems discerning reality from fiction. Porn can make you think that all you need to do to have sex with a girl is bring her mail or milk. Well, this type of thinking can get you into a lot of trouble).

– It can get you fired. (Usually, bosses frown upon watching porn and masturbating at work and, while it may be an unfair practice that needs to change, it can lead to you getting fired because of workplace indecency. All of this is true unless you work in the porn industry. Then, we suppose, watching regular videos is forbidden instead).

– Porn movies affect your experience with the partner. (Look at it this way – if you’ve been spending most of your time watching extremely brutal Japanese porn with tentacles, how can you be aroused by a two-armed and two-legged human ever again?)

Kill the Supplier

Again, as it is with drugs or any other addiction, you need to cut off the supply and get rid of the supplier. In this case, this is the internet. When you think about it, the internet is basically just a library of porn and various trolls, so getting rid of it all together might be your best option. First off, you need to find the internet cable and pull it out as savagely as possible, preferably damaging the cord irreversibly. Once you’ve done it, go get a hammer and bash your modem as hard as you can, until you see its guts pouring out. Now, some people would stop there, but if you truly want to free yourself from this evil addiction, you need to go beyond. Punch a hole or two through the monitor and break the keyboard in half. That should be enough to prevent you from seeing some porn ever again.

Kill the Desire

We’ve mentioned the tentacle porn, but that’s just one of the extremes that people like you love searching on the web. The fact is, there are a lot of other distinctly weird genres out there that you need to get out of your head before you can start leading a normal life again. In order to do this, you should set your mind on something else entirely. For example, instead of pleasuring yourself to the scenes of possibly illegal bestiality, why not just watch a 3-hour long documentary on vicious sea turtles and their mind-blowing adventures? Instead of watching the infamous Fake Taxi videos, why not watch Robert De Niro’s troubled character punish a group of criminals as a newfound hero of New York in the Taxi Driver? Instead of watching some MILF videos, why not agree to visit your mother-in-law with your wife and have a nice Sunday meal? There are always alternatives.

Join a Cult or a Gang

Finally, you’ll need a more permanent distraction if you want to break away from this (supposedly) evil addiction that is porn. The best way to do that is to join a group of people with a common goal that will keep you going through those hard and tempting nights. Seeing how you’ll need a nocturnal group, one of your best options is joining a cult. They usually gather at night, wear cool matching close and summon interesting, devilish creatures you can talk to or sacrifice if you don’t like them. Another great option is joining a gang, as they do most of the important stuff at night when there’s no police or potential eyewitnesses. You have a variety of gangs to choose from, so pick the one that’s closest to your heart and offers the most outings.

So, that’s about it. If you follow our little guide to the letter, there’s no doubt that you’ll overcome this problem and become a truly respectable member of the society. If you have any other ideas on how to stop watching porn more effectively, feel free to write them down in the comment section below.