Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Floyd (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 6-16-17
Whole Foods Cashier: You have your reusable bags?
*wave of boos from shoppers*
*a toddler with a hyphenated 1st name spits on me*
— ack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 30, 2017
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
— Flora Flora (@Flora__Flora) March 6, 2017
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017
I find eye rolling no longer sufficient to express my exasperation. Henceforth, I will barrel roll across the floor to show my annoyance.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) March 23, 2017
Cow: is this bus going downtown??
Driver: depends on whether or not you have moola lolol
Cow: I’m fucking late to work Craig pic.twitter.com/P2J7xmH5Me
— Lone Wulf (@14thSquadLt) June 7, 2017
Imagine a heated argument between John Mayer and Jack Johnson with them power-whispering at each other
— brian essbe (@SortaBad) March 30, 2014
My dad went to Vegas for 5 days and put a camera in the house but that aint stoping me pic.twitter.com/Tkek3eDYRq
— BigKev (@KevinMieles11) June 8, 2017
FRIEND: So… did you have a chance to listen to my podcast?
— Glenn Loury 2.0 (@justabloodygame) June 8, 2017
are you fucking kidding me pic.twitter.com/LtzPxH6hps
— Ali (@TheyCallMeYDG) June 9, 2017
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
— beth argyropoulos (@bourgeoisalien) March 10, 2017
BIG HORSE: shall i kill him and set u free?
LITTLE HORSE: no, wait until the boy has his own family, then take his first born as i was taken pic.twitter.com/bUc95jD39z
— wylde de beest (@flashember) June 4, 2017
Am actual sick of this LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF MY ARMS fucking slenderman pic.twitter.com/Duv557n2U6
— ~ (@corakeen) June 8, 2017
me measuring doorframe with my arms: it doesn’t make sense because we got it in here no problem
other pallbearer: let’s try twisting it
— brent (@murrman5) May 14, 2017
ALL THE CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT:
-The One That Stirs Wet Stuff Together
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) June 7, 2017
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) June 8, 2017
I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) May 15, 2017
this old simpsons episode hits pretty hard if marge is my girlfriend and the fish is twitter pic.twitter.com/IRtsGN11lD
— Chris Somerville (@chrisomerville) June 4, 2017
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
— she’s unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) September 22, 2015
Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”
— Vada? (@Jawwwwwsh) November 21, 2015
Why the fuck has my 15 year old cousin just put this on his sc story pic.twitter.com/QhcExA4vEu
— Lauren Ng (@_laurenng_) June 8, 2017