6 Terrible Ways Other Species Have Sex

Now I really don't want to have the birds and the bees talk.

Spencer Hicksby Spencer Hicks
Chicken Love. Photo: Andyworks (Getty).

Being a human is pretty great. We have opposable thumbs, the ability to think about our own mortality, and can wipe our butts after we poop. Also, sex is fantastic as a human. Sure, the genitals are a little too close to the butthole, but as you’ll see, that’s a small price to pay to reproduce.

6 Terrible Ways Other Species Have Sex

1.) A male bee’s penis falls off after sex.

terrible ways species have sex

Two Bees Mating. Photo: Tim Grist Photography (Getty).

Bee’s have it rough. If they use their stinger, they die. If they have sex, they lose their penis. One theory I don’t think science is taking very seriously is that maybe the male bees are killing themselves. How bad would it suck to lose your virginity AND penis on the same day?!

2.) Pigs have a strange corkscrew penis.

terrible ways species have sex

Rear end of pig, studio shot. Photo: Jana Leon (Getty).

Pigs are perhaps the greatest animals on the planet. They are very useful in testing medical stuff, they are delicious, and as I learned in movies, they can be used to dispose of dead bodies. So what’s the drawback of being such an incredible animal? Well, they have a crazy corkscrew penis that looks like a spinning drill bit. It’s hard to explain. Here is a video (NSFW, obviously).

3.) A hen can get rid of unwanted sperm.

terrible ways species have sex

Photo: Zeng Linghua/VCG (Getty).

Hens don’t need to bother with getting a morning after pill, because mother nature gave them the ability to rid themselves of unwanted sperm. This allows the chickens to only fertilize their eggs with the sperm of the best partner. Before the phrase, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” there was, “Have sex with all the roosters and figure it out later.”

4.) Hippos attract mates by pooping all over themselves.

terrible ways species have sex

Large hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius). Photo: Hedrus (Getty).

They not only poop on themselves, but also spin their tails around to spread it all over the place. If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like when “the shit hits the fan,” watch a YouTube video of it. Just don’t show the hippos Two Girls, One Cup

5.) Male giraffes drink some urine before sex.

terrible ways species have sex

Fighting Giraffe. Photo: WLDavies (Getty).

One day, I hope R. Kelly makes an opera about this mating process. Male giraffes will approach a female and headbutt her in the rear until she pees. When she pees, he’ll take a swig of that piss to determine if she’s ready. I think they should probably skip the water sports and just roll the dice.

6.) Male alligators have a permanent erection.

terrible ways species have sex

Alligator at the jungle garden. Photo: John Elk (Getty).

The male alligator’s penis spends most of its time in the cloaca, but even when it’s put away, it is the same size and shape it will be for mating. Next time you watch someone wrestle a gator, know that at least 50% of the participants have a boner.

Of course, in some cases, it’s harder to keep track: Here’s A Horse Beating The Hell Out Of An Alligator