Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Gabrielle Bruney (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 6-23-17
Good morning to everyone except those people who drive this car and aren’t cops. Y’all be making me slam the brakes for no reason pic.twitter.com/53OzCXszxk
— Cory Liesch (@cory_liesch24) June 19, 2017
The average person swallows 8 Spider-Man 2 DVDs in their sleep each year
— Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) May 31, 2017
— NHP Southern Command (@NHPSouthernComm) June 19, 2017
Theres like people getting murdered and yall out here arresting fucking avocado dealers https://t.co/rjgECgrk0B
— Ghost (@KillianTrill) June 19, 2017
Maybe instead of requesting a song from the dj just tell him you wish you were home.
— Julian McCullough (@julezmac) June 22, 2017
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) February 3, 2014
Time to move pic.twitter.com/klT6taInYR
— Re’mre Bavaria (@DaOBeeZY) June 19, 2017
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 13, 2015
— Owl City (@owlcity) June 21, 2017
I’m supposed to love my neighbor the way I love myself, so now I compulsively overfeed her and lie awake at night fearing she’s worthless
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 16, 2016
[After sex] Sorry I was clapping so much
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) June 15, 2017
Yall. I’m at my orthodontist & they told me to take out any metals in my hair for my x-ray, so I had to remove my wig bc of the pins. I’m so pic.twitter.com/dK3hFvhf4g
— uncle fatty stan (@QUEENTIWAA) June 19, 2017
COP: calm down and drop ur weapon
ROBBER: wow it’s actually super condescending to tell someone to calm down
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 19, 2017
This twitter UI update is great pic.twitter.com/KOhzzRNTpl
— Krystal (@krystalbepsi) June 16, 2017
How did Scooby Snacks even get off the ground? Their business model is making food for one specific dog.
— Gabrielle Bruney (@gabriellebruney) June 21, 2017
I JUST WANTED A VIDEO OF THE CATS PLAYING AND THEN ?!!!?? pic.twitter.com/j6EGWvCtBt
— sarah (@sarahjorden_) June 20, 2017
I’ve been laughing at this for like ten minutes please send help pic.twitter.com/U5X6tbnGdW
— Sarah Sekaran (@oh_hey_sarah) June 21, 2017
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
NASA better take me out to dinner first. https://t.co/ZJhvidqGEF
— King Nathan, II (@RodriguezThaGod) June 19, 2017
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho pic.twitter.com/99rRC37SGd
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) June 17, 2017