For those of us who saw The Purge and thought it made a whole lot of sense, it got us thinking: Maybe it’s time we purged some of our most insufferable cities who need it desperately. Now, we know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong, so stop thinking it. We intend on this being a safe, orderly and harmless, nonviolent procedure. Kind of.
For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, the basic plot is as follows: “In an America ravaged by crime and overcrowded prisons, the government sanctions an annual 12-hour period during which all criminal activity — including murder — is legal.” Now, let’s take out murder, name-calling, pushing, shoving and malevolent behavior, whether passive or aggressive, and we think we’re really onto something here.
The cities we’ve chosen are of the unbiased variety, wherein we chose each for a specific reason(s), be it overpopulation, traffic road diets, totes sbros, hipster dufasses, airborne STDs, or simply an oversized ego. If you’re afraid you’re living in a purge-worthy zone, get out now and help save your city, lest it burn like the insufferable hellhole it is with you in it. We mean that in a nonliteral, metaphorical way, of course. So how will you help purge your city today?
We all know Hollywood has gone to hell, even Trump has a star on the Walk of Fame, but we're talking about L.A. and its road diet new traffic lanes, which make it go from the world's worst traffic to the world's biggest parking lot.
Part of the reason L.A. has gotten so much worse is because Silicon Valley could not contain all the nerds, hence Silicon Beach down south. If these techie dweebs are so smart, why haven't they flown themselves to Mars and started their own special Wi-Fi network there?
It was cute at first but now the trend of Portland has become so hip it's completely ruined the city. Thanks a lot, Portlandia, and Voodoo Donuts and all the other plentifully wonderful things your stupid city has to offer.
This city needs no introduction, only a well-lit match and the right amount of dry brush near The (Landing) Strip -- the aptly named boulevard running down the fiery crotch of America's most depraved city.
You won't find me in St. Louay, no, you certainly won't. Of all the worst cities in America, the one with a giant arch as its main distraction for all the crime and hillbilly bars can take a hike. This is mostly because they replaced my favorite childhood hotel, the Adam's Mark, with a goddamn Hyatt. You really fucked up, St. Louis fans, but we know you're reading this St. Louis and look forward to hearing from you. Boo, Cardinals (OK, now I'm just twisting the knife)!
Not Denver the last dinosaur, and not Charlie Kelly on skis, but Denver, you once lovely little city, you've gone and packed too many sardines in your can. And worse, the construction all over downtown makes you insufferable.
Miami, where the players play, we could do without. You've got goddamn serial killers running amok. And the entire population, according to Chris D'Elia, is at least a little Cuban, which means my sweaty dance moves are always going to look awful. This place is nothing like what Will Smith told me.
Whoops, wrong Austin. Another small city trying to make it big has more than doubled in size, jacked itself off on rent and yet still pulls people in by the droves. This is what happens when big cities like L.A. and San Francisco and New York become unlivable, they ruin the little guy. It's like the weird kid who got a hot prom date then grew up to think he's a lot cooler than he actually is. OK, that kid was me.
We know Rob Gronkowski isn't a man of San Diego, but his shirt-ripping GIF is too bro not to relay the message perfectly. To all you flat-brimmed bros, bend your hat a little bit. And wear a shirt that fucking fits!
The south beach with no shame where people drive cars quickly in circles while girls expose their breasts and men get terrible suntans. Where do I sign?