Why The Unlimited MoviePass Plan Is A Stupid Concept And Should Burn In Hell

Another pointless day, another pointless subscription.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham
Photo: andresr (Getty)

“Why is the unlimited MoviePass plan a stupid concept and should burn in hell?” you ask? We’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re not thinking straight.

Any good marketing campaign (you know, like the one where they convinced you diamonds are forever) can give you one solid perspective to keep you from entertaining other thoughts. Ideas such as, “it’s one movie per day for the entire month,” for example. The other perspective — that other thought you’re not thinking about — is, “why the hell would I want to go to the movies more than I already do?”

While $9.95 per month (or $99 annually) seems like a godsend, if you really break it down, it’s more like another subscription they’re trying to convincw you that you need. With any change, subscription or otherwise, we ask ourselves how it’s going to improve our quality of life. So how’s life going to improve with an unlimited MoviePass? Simply put, it’s not.

Why The Unlimited MoviePass Plan Is A Stupid Concept And Should Burn In Hell

How many goddamn movies can one person see?

Yes, we understand it’s roughly 30 movies per month you can go see. That’s an interesting perspective to take, because our perspective is this: If you’re lucky, one good movie worth going to see in theaters each month. In reality, it’s more like one every three or four months. Now you’re just going to see movies you don’t care about to justify your purchase of this stupid subscription.

You can’t have butter without your popcorn.

That’s not even a real phrase, as far as we know, but it’s true. You think you’re just paying $10 each month and waltzing through unscathed. Oh no, you’ve still got your parking ($3), your popcorn ($6), your diet soda slowing causing your dementia ($5), your nostalgic candy ($5) to make you feel special. And while those are all approximations and possible combinations, you can easily spend $20 outside of your ticket stub. You’re telling us you’re going to see a Shyamalan movie and not buy something to throw at the screen when his inevitable shit ending comes? Lies!

The drawbacks you didn’t read about.

Nothing in life is free, or even cheap for that matter. There’s always a catch. While heavy moviegoing bodies might think they’re reaping the benefits and raping the industry, they might want to know about a few drawbacks to their new butter-finger lifestyle: 1) No IMAX or 3D 2) No advance ticket sales (the app works in the moment and with your geographic location 3) No premium theaters (ex. Landmark, ArcLight) 4) One ticket per order (no multiples, sad). Shall we continue?

Not even Marvel comes out with enough movies to make it sensible.

Photo: via Slash Film

At most, the Marvel geeks you imagine would cream themselves over this unlimited movie hall pass barely have a reason to go more than a few times more than you each year. While some of them can watch Spider-Man on repeat, you basically have to walk to the theater, stuff your pockets with homemade, non-GMO JuJuBees and six packs of cola, because you can forget about a Pepsi Freeze if you want this to be financially sound. Those assholes need to learn to wait for the DVD release. Because everyone loves a good DVD.

The rest of your life is in the shitter, but at least you got MoviePass.

Screenshot: YouTube

If movies is all you care about, and your job doesn’t revolve around movies, it’s definitely likely you haven’t any job (or it’s shitty one), and the rest of your life is in shambles. So you go to movies constantly to escape. Maybe the best thing for you right now would be to stop going to so many movies and work on something else in your life. You get a monthly gym pass, but I bet you guys aren’t going more than three times a week. In fact, I bet you’re lucky to get in there three times each month.

Now, now, you’re saving a lot of money here. But what about…her?

Photo: Getty

Don’t get us wrong, they could have asked for a lot more money. Is it saving you a lot of money? Yes, but what about her? Who’s her? Oh. Right. The girlfriend, the wife, the woman on Tinder you convinced to give you a back-row blowy. You have to pay for her, too. And your kids? Yeah, you’re not going alone, are you? That would be weird to go alone 30 times each month, right?

You know she’s going to make that parched sound with her throat, too, meaning her own soda. That’s the cost of public fellatio, friends. How do you like your Tinder now?

Is it really helping the industry?

It’s a genius idea to help out the little indie movies (or is it?), but then how do you track which movies get how much money? While the conversation steers towards whether or not this is ruining the industry, the reason problem being solved is the lack of asses in the seats due to piracy and our shit economy. Does this help? Maybe. Maybe not.

Sure, it would be better to get $30 from the casual moviegoer for three months as opposed to $10 or $20. There are probably enough open seats that could use some filling, and the percentage of movie buffs is probably minute, but this could screw up the box office system something strange.

Just one more subscription to pay each month you keep forgetting about.

Photo: MoviePass

Photo: MoviePass

Photo: Movie Pass

As if your keychain wasn’t full enough with membership cards. As if your bills weren’t already squashing you. You have Netflix, Hulu, HBO and Showtime, not to mention an unhealthy porn addiction, yet you still think you need this pass, the one that gets you to the theater 30 times per month. We’re here to clue you in, not just because we like arguing the establishment and questioning everything you do, but because you don’t need it. Your mother is probably going to say the same thing, and you better damn well listen to her.

To that end, we ask: How many of you are going to a movie more than once each month? That’s what we thought.

And then there’s your sex life: Is Netflix The Reason Why Americans Are Having Less Sex?