Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Bar Room Hero (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 9-22-17
my dad once said “do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way” then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) September 18, 2017
This joke may be over your head. pic.twitter.com/jMBlE02tnT
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) September 21, 2017
Stop, collaborate and listen I’ve only tried one sex position
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) September 15, 2017
[getting tour of donut factory]
ME: How do you judge the size of the dickholes?
SECURITY: [slowly approach me from either side]
— mo (@chuuew) September 17, 2017
CANADA 911: What’s your emer-
CANADIAN: PLEASE HELP- oh did I interrupt? Sorry.
CANADIAN 911: Sorry.
CANADA 911: Sorry.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 1, 2016
welcome to Justin’s Tires where we have the lowest prices in town. if you find a better deal I’ll fuckin kill you you better not tell anyone
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 19, 2017
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2017
HELP! I can’t stop photoshopping shirtless Mario into the cast of The Jersey Shore. pic.twitter.com/VtruW34tyF
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) September 21, 2017
“Kids, I’d never try to replace your real dad.” pic.twitter.com/F9gM2R3hf4
— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) September 11, 2017
*puts out cigarette on own arm*
“I was a Stranger Things kid.”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 18, 2017
I know everybody says this, but I honestly think these sexbots like me.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 16, 2017
I blessed a sneeze down in Albany
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) September 21, 2017
When being harassed by a duo of awful, 30-something women, call them “Timon & Pumbaa” and watch them try to figure out which one is Pumbaa.
— Kerry (@Kerry_Pro) September 14, 2017
Passing notes in school
Do you like me
□ Yes □ No
STOP SENDING ME NOTES!
Do you really wish to unsubscribe
□ Yes □ No
— D Duh (@d_duhwit) September 20, 2017
A great moment in movie history is when Harvey can’t recognize The Joker until he takes off his surgery mask. pic.twitter.com/nFbS8qMn4F
— David S. (@AE_DavidS) August 31, 2017
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 21, 2017
I hate it when I get all the way to work and realize I left my will to live on the counter
— Bar Room Hero (@UnIxphysco) September 21, 2017
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
— vince (@mortimermaiden) August 13, 2017
I thought my upstairs neighbors were playing a really loud trombone duet, but it turns out it was two of Charlie Brown’s teachers having sex
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) August 23, 2017
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 20, 2017