Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @rancheroni (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
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Funny Tweets 10-6-17
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they stand up in the aisle as soon as the plane lands
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) October 1, 2017
Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.
— BONKAZ (@Bonkaz) September 3, 2017
I accidentally typed “battle slippers” instead of “ballet slippers” into Google images and I was not disappointed. pic.twitter.com/a5ywq56eo4
— Ophelia Brown (@bandaidknees) October 1, 2017
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 4, 2017
— Obscure Gentlemen (@TheObscureGents) September 26, 2017
It’s time for my annual FREE HALLOWEEN MASKS!
A Clockwork Orange*
*doubles as Nicolas Cage pic.twitter.com/VjdarJraQy
— Jen Lewis (@thisjenlewis) October 5, 2017
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
— keith (@ghostkrogh) March 26, 2015
Never too early to start looking up Thanksgiving ideas pic.twitter.com/jnctA3Ei0a
— Ian Boudreau (@iboudreau) October 4, 2017
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 5, 2017
I adapted it. pic.twitter.com/iYhARRkT6h
— dennis calero (@DennisCalero) October 5, 2017
[goes back in time]
Me: It’s called “social media”
50’s guy: For talking with friends?
Me: No, not at all. Just vague acquaintances & brands
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) October 5, 2017
*Showering* Not hot enough. *turns knob 1/16th of an inch* Satan himself pours out of the shower head and licks your back seductively.
— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) April 22, 2017
Anyone who says “Fuck yeah, bro” will fail a drug test.
— Lord Kilmister (@ObscureGent) October 2, 2017
catholic contestant: i’d like to buy 12 O’s pic.twitter.com/M6tIcsPn7h
— pope phteven (@PhuckinCody) October 2, 2017
In hell, autocorrect is exactly the same
— runt (@rancheroni) October 5, 2017
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) September 3, 2017
Well then why the fuck did you send it to me… pic.twitter.com/AvLbRastri
— The Don (@JackedYoTweets) October 3, 2017
Store Clerk: A dehumidifier will basically do the same thing.
Me: Yeah but can it do this? *drives away everyone i care about*
— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) October 3, 2017
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
— The Discourse Lover (@Trillburne) September 22, 2017
Is this the worst slogan ever? pic.twitter.com/owcN6z9erC
— Marlin Phillips (@MarlinTheMan) October 4, 2017