Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @ArfMeasures (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 10-27-17
[a demon possesses me]
DEMON: lol owned
— The Pun-Kinwesterner (@panmidwest) October 25, 2017
When u pretend 2 be asleep in the car so dad has 2 carry u inside pic.twitter.com/2AMp15wvgU
— Jeff Blogwell (@tylercstafford) October 24, 2017
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
— Bakari Sellers (@Bakari_Sellers) October 22, 2017
If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.
— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) October 20, 2017
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
— yabkat (@ohen39) October 25, 2017
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
— online hype guy (@TheHyyyype) October 24, 2017
If I ever have kids, I won’t care who they love, as long as they’re not the kind of people who clap at the end of a movie in the theater.
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) October 26, 2017
— ClickHole (@ClickHole) October 24, 2017
I CANT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME IM SCREAMING pic.twitter.com/TiDD8NoFi8
— Stephne Tate (@quailtea) May 26, 2017
worst interaction of my week was today, when an old guy farted while peeing at the urinal next to me, apologized, and i had to say “it’s ok”
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 25, 2017
*This* is how I find out my ex-wife is back in town? https://t.co/ZXP4qsbsEb
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 17, 2017
cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…
— merritt k (@merrittk) October 25, 2017
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 25, 2017
Is….Is this an option? pic.twitter.com/8XJ6dQ0Kzv
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 25, 2017
*My wife is violently shaking me*
You idiot, you drank the liquid from a magic 8 ball again, didn’t you?
*My eyes read MOST LIKELY*
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) July 29, 2016
soup robot DGAF about your soup needs pic.twitter.com/8mRvF3UEBY
— Simone Giertz (@SimoneGiertz) October 26, 2017
Is your nanna even your nanna if she doesn’t call you every single one of her grandchilds name before finally getting yours
— Grace Jackson (@GraceJacksonn) October 23, 2017
Was typing Prince but accidentally typed in printh on google images… wasn’t disappointed… pic.twitter.com/Denfw6lebi
— Pickle Rusk (@RuskHimself) April 21, 2017
Me: [drives a golf ball 450 yards]
Some guy: wow you’re good, you must love golf!
Me: no, I just *clenches fist* frickin hate golf balls
— The Scarenstain Bear (@LeBearGirdle) June 6, 2016
good boy? i haven’t heard that name in years pic.twitter.com/EOFmp8xzs9
— ducky boy (@eatjaredtweets) October 23, 2017