Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @TJKilbride (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-8-17
Me at the beginning of 2017 vs me at the end of 2017 pic.twitter.com/0xLwt3wGYx
— Jenny Meloncollie (and the Infinite Sadness) (@SteampunkMuppet) December 1, 2017
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to the first guess.
— tanner (@TheeTcup) November 30, 2017
FBI: “Who else was involved in this Russian meeting?”
Flynn: “I ain’t snitching. No comment.”
FBI: “You’re looking at 20 years behind bars.”
— BJ Thompson (@bj116) December 1, 2017
White people when Mr. Brightside starts playing at a party pic.twitter.com/vekw84DnGY
— jose (@abitchua) December 3, 2017
it took several years of extensive recreational drug use but i have finally erased all memory of middle school
— russ did 9/11 (@lexaprobation) December 3, 2017
Loving this fall weather in L.A.! pic.twitter.com/QvRDyZqZHt
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 7, 2017
— byronhussie (@byrobot) December 3, 2017
I’ll keep pressing keys hoping that autocorrect will realise “bwaycxeseqgfsese” was meant to be “because” https://t.co/cvWrKxdwbk
— santiago. (@marquestrevon_) August 10, 2017
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
— mo (@chuuew) December 4, 2017
How white dads answer the phone. pic.twitter.com/oWVyWUQ2CW
— corti (@burnxout) November 4, 2017
yeah drinking is fun but have u ever tried writing a single spaced paper & then double spacing it at the end & watching it suddenly hit the page requirement bc that’s the true good stuff
— Samantha Gardner (@samantharae350) December 3, 2017
shout out to this hustler who tried to sell merch at the crucifixion pic.twitter.com/JmxwZOTp0j
— ‘Tis The Season For James Colley (@JamColley) December 4, 2017
Uber driver (in a Grand Cherokee): someone’s broken into my car twice this month
Me: more like Law and Order SUV
Uber driver: it’s SVU
Me: oh I know I was just making a car joke
Uber driver: I watch the show it’s SVU
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) December 4, 2017
when you’re walking past people in a movie theater to get to your seat pic.twitter.com/krKcn3nstB
— mørgan (@korgankenzie) November 8, 2017
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 8, 2017
[at my christian bakeshop, when a serial killer who was let off on a technicality walks in]
ME: oh my god its u
SERIAL KILLER: yes, it is I – gary axeface. can I have a wedding cake
ME: sure thing
SERIAL KILLER: my husband will be pleased
ME: whoa hold up
— K.T. NELSON (@KrangTNelson) December 7, 2017
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 7, 2017
you know shit’s bad when even your raisins are getting woke pic.twitter.com/AgoJSc0SDS
— Elvish on a Shelvish (@_ElvishPresley_) December 6, 2017
A guy in my office is shaking his protein shake and this woman poked her head around the corner and said “do I hear margaritasssss?”… no Janet, it’s 10 am.
— ••Teej•• (@TJKilbride) November 30, 2017
Panera Cashier: That’ll be $13.67 pic.twitter.com/HKqu2RbvUR
— Mark Magark (@markedly) December 6, 2017