Photo: Paramount Pictures
It’s that time of year again, when all you hear is the worst kinds of Christmas music (freaking chipmunks), never the good stuff (Bing), and the incessant scanning of Amazon barcodes (before the delivery person poops on your yard). Now, we’ve been making a list and checking it thrice, thus we’re aware that you’ve been an asshole all year. And so it goes without saying, you shouldn’t be allowed to buy anyone Christmas gifts this year, and that’s a favor to everyone for very 10 simple reasons, the least of which is you being an asshole.
Everyone knows Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love (and the other ones you avoid all year), practicing the gift of giving and the art of drinking too much eggnog. Since all that sounds like a gut-wrenching repeat of last year, especially the eggnog, we’re going to suggest you forego the tradition of Secret Santa-ing, terribly gift wrapping jobs and setting cookies and milk out for Santa, and instead pocket those cookies and find a nice elf to spend the holidays with. We can’t imagine milk is helping anybody accomplish anything anyways.
Now, like your favorite filthy remixes of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” we have hilariously stockpiled 10 simple explanations as to why you shouldn’t be allowed to go Christmas shopping for you A-hole friends this year, and it begins with how cheap you are, Scrooge.