Breaking News: America Is Not The Best At Making Friends

America is not even one of the top ten best nations in the world to find friends in, new study says.

Brendan Doyleby Brendan Doyle
Photo: spfoto (Getty)

America likes trying to be the best at everything. In fact, it usually seems to think that it is already the best at everything. That attitude might be coming back to bite it though, because one thing that the US definitely isn’t best at is making friends, according to the Expat Insider. It’s not even in the top ten, which is, quite frankly, shameful. As a wise man once said, “if you’re not first, you’re last” and America certainly isn’t first when it comes to finding pals to chum about with. Strange for a country with the word ‘United’ in its name, isn’t it?

Obviously, this is a call to arms. If people don’t think America is friendly, then it’s about time America shows people how friendly it is. With weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. Heck, they’ll fight a war to show that they’re the best at friendships, and they’ll expose WMDs and defeat terrorism and drugs combined while doing it too. Of course, that might be part of the reason people don’t see the country as friendly, but it doesn’t have to know that.

In all actuality, the index is based on what is referred to as the “Ease of Settling In” which is then further divided into a “Finding Friends” category. 65 countries are included in the study, and the US comes in 34th, leaving it in the bottom half of the study’s findings; this is absolutely pathetic and unacceptable.

Of course, there is a silver lining to all this- Russia placed just below America and the UK is way below, so they’re still crushing their historical rivals in friend-making. And in the end, isn’t that what matters when it comes to making friends? Having more friends than the people you want to spite? Maybe we could all learn something from that. Besides, it serves the freedom-hating Brits and the commie spy reds right, to be beaten like this.

Geez, maybe there’s a good reason the US hasn’t made all that many friends. That whole forgiveness thing has been a struggle for the country, hasn’t it? Oh well, there’s other things to win at that matter way more like the Olympics and territorial expansion and calling soccer by its real name and using an outdated, inefficient system of measurements purely for the sake of being difficult. America is way too awesome for friends, anyways. Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Obviously, it’s just too focused on winning all that other stuff to stop and make friends. Clearly.

And now, the top ten countries to make friends:

1    Costa Rica

2    Mexico

3    Argentina

4    Uganda

5    Malta

6    Bahrain

7    Oman

8    Cambodia

9    Philippines

10  Colombia

Eh, who needs friends anyway? Facebook Cleansing: 10 Different Kinds Of Friends You’re Safe To Get Rid Of In 2017