Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @P_o_n_k (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-15-17
DATE: You wanna come up?
ME: [backing away from hot air balloon] No
— mo (@chuuew) December 14, 2017
Someone just told me about a fetish called MASKING where people make female celebs look like “the mask” pic.twitter.com/awpUc87jHN
— caroline goldfarb (@hairoline) December 11, 2017
An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake.
I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
—Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) December 11, 2017
ME: Partying hard or hardly partying?
MY NEIGHBOR ANDREW W.K.: Not today Dave. Please.
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) November 6, 2017
Because Tom Cruise is too short. https://t.co/lrEpaU7rth
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) December 4, 2017
You have to respect the fact that Craigslist hasn’t updated the look of their site in 20 years. They’re like if you want to use our shitty website to sell your garbage fine, if not fuck off we don’t care
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 5, 2017
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Garfield again, is it?
ME: Hahaha no way
[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this dog that hates Tuesdays
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 8, 2017
— Pixelated Ho Ho Hoat (@pixelatedboat) December 14, 2017
Claims? Bruhh he getting choked in the pic lmao https://t.co/imipGb2NbS
— ALMOND (@ahmedtwinkie) December 10, 2017
Waiter: “Would you like a drink?”
Jesus: “Water is fine.”
Jesus: [looks directly into camera]
— Benjamin A. Vorwerk (@bvorwerk) December 7, 2017
i pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fuck u sarah it’s diabetes
— Jake Hullinger (@_LitRomney) December 5, 2017
I’d like to personally congratulate each and every individual involved pic.twitter.com/qooogPOGgV
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) December 12, 2017
“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right
— derek (@eedrk) February 6, 2017
— brandon (@buttgrabbing) December 1, 2016
“Stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni” was for many years the textbook definition of insanity.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 13, 2017
MAGGIE SIMPSON PRINCESA DISNEY. pic.twitter.com/DCIXkzUglt
— Raúl (@RalMarquez) December 14, 2017
2nite @ work a customer
•ordered 3 meatballs
•ate them all
•ordered 3 more meatballs
•ate those too
•told his server to take empty plates b4 his wife got there
•wife gets there
•server takes both of their orders
•he goes “i think ill try the meatballs”
WHAT WAS HE HIDING
— ㅤㅤㅤ (@edgdhh) December 12, 2017
ME: Net Neutrality is dead!
FRIEND: Why should I care?
ME:…[click to view punchline for $0.99]
— Ponk (@P_o_n_k) December 14, 2017
Stephen King: can u pitch my story to yr producer friend?
Sean Connery: yesh
King: don’t fuck this up, it’s called the sawsank redempsion
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) November 4, 2017
studying to get my driver’s license…hey dmv can i phone a freaking friend over here pic.twitter.com/Rn2qLhw2zT
— bobby (@bobby) December 13, 2017