The 10 Commandments Of Cell Phone Use To Keep You From Acting Like A Sacrilegious Prick In Public 

"I give unto thee 10 cell phone laws to abide by. -God

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham
Photo: Paramount Pictures

If you’re not familiar with Bible scripture of The 10 Commandments given to Moses, you should know there was another set of commandments pertaining to cell phone use that is just coming into effect. And they’re here to keep you from acting like a prick in public.

For those of you who don’t know, the commandments were given to us on Mount Sinai, which I believe is somewhere in Silicon Valley where God and/or Steve Jobs would unveil their things. But as a guideline to living, these laws were set forth to better us as people, since there are so many sociopaths who actually aren’t aware that killing people and stealing wives is wrong.

However, these new commandments of cell phone use pull into the frame a lot of the problems we deal with on a daily basis, given that we invented something that has taken off yet has no set of rules. Read along to our scripture and do so aloud in public, if possible.

1. Thou shall not Google thy every curiosity.

In other words, figure your shit out on your own for once. You don’t need to Google what movie Jeff Goldblum starred in in 1986. The answer is The Fly, a fantastic science-fiction film, much better than The Fly II. You should know that shit.

2. Thou shall not text during takeoff.

Photo: Hans Neleman (Getty)

How many texts do you really need to rattle off before this bird can take flight? There are only 286 people waiting on you to (not) spellcheck and hit send. Nobody cares about you that much to miss you if you go missing for three hours, not even your worried mother. The same goes for car selfies in busy traffic and bicycle pics while riding. I will not feel sorry for you if you end up in a ditch and use every last fiber of energy to send that god-forsaken text.

3. Thou shall not take the name Steve Jobs in vain.

There is only one Steve Jobs. You shall not have strange gods before him, not even someone who actually accomplished great feats on their own without a team of people who got zero credit.

4. Remember to keep holy the crosswalk (and any phone booths).

Amsterdam has laws against that kind of thing, as all places should. And phone booths should be repurposed as talking booths so I don’t have to listen to you talk like a pervert or mistake your hands-free “Hey, what’s going on?” as a hello to me.

5. Answer thy father and thy mother’s every beck and call.

Never ignore your folks. You never know what they might have for you. It’s probably something about your shortcomings as a child and overall human, but you never know, unless of course, it’s during takeoff.

6. Thou shall not use hands in a hands-free environment.

It’s not going to matter which song you must sing along to on the way to work if you’re consumed by it enough that you end up burning alive on the freeway. [Cue: Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want to Wait (For Our Lives to Be Over)”]

7. Thou shall not submit dick pics (even on fleeting video apps).

You think they’re disappearing into the ether, but God or Steve Jobs or someone asshole to be named later will unlock that cloud soon and you’ll never run for mayor of your hometown as planned.

8. Thou shall not bear unwarranted screengrabs.

Just as you shouldn’t send without asking, you also shall not take grabs that were never meant to be grabbed. Then again, our president grabs all kinds of stuff and he’s a role model. You know, she wouldn’t have shown so much “cleave” if she didn’t want to know you can’t live without it. This is getting dangerously Kevin Spacey-y. Moving on…

9. Thou shall not leave thy ringer on full volume.

Ringers are so 2008. So are phone calls. And sounds. Unless you’re a full-time jack hammerer, you have no reason to have a loud ringer, or any ringer for that matter. You know the only calls you’re getting are solicitors and wrong numbers.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s iPhone X.

Only because the iPhone X is a waste of time and money. Covet something of your neighbor’s that is worth your effort, like his wife.

But if you have to use your phone just do this: The Ultimate iPhone Text Prank That Will Change Your Life Forever