Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @JoeBell (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-22-17
ME: Where would I find the half n’ half?
WHOLE FOODS CASHIER: I don’t understand
— Ponk (@P_o_n_k) December 19, 2017
Friend 1: “Where’s the best place to stand during an earthquake?”
Friend 2: “A doorway, a car, under the bed?”
Me, an intellectual: pic.twitter.com/NHe3KwoXOt
— Parker (@panoparker) December 14, 2017
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
— Ygrinch (@Ygrene) December 17, 2017
his barber is not his real friend. He needs to tell him the truth pic.twitter.com/QD64kD79fj
— 73-9 and they LIED (@CuffsTheLegend) December 18, 2017
Kick It Under The Fridge 2: Kick That Shit Under The Sink pic.twitter.com/pVcOhmSFTj
— jesse farrar (@BronzeHammer) December 18, 2017
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
— vince (@mortimermaiden) September 28, 2017
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
— brandAn Got Runover By a Subaru Forester (@LeBearGirdle) August 17, 2017
most punchable face of 2017??? VOTE NOW
RT FOR AJIT PAI
FAV FOR MARTIN SHKRELI pic.twitter.com/YPdyR74rRr
— OMGitsfirefoxx probably (@OMGitsfirefoxx) December 15, 2017
*we both reach for the popcorn at the same time*
*our fingers touch*
ME: *slowly turns to her* get the fuck off my popcorn
— The Holiday Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 2, 2016
Tomi Lahren, Ann Coulter, and Kellyanne Conway look like the same person at various stages of crystal meth addiction pic.twitter.com/f1ObzukEXB
— Jonathan (@Pizzagate5) December 15, 2017
when i’m at target and i see someone from high school about to walk into the same isle as me pic.twitter.com/iirBtYULzo
— lourdes (@gossipgriII) December 20, 2017
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
— Mark Magark (@markedly) December 19, 2017
Trump looks like “errrr” frog in that Budweiser lily pad commercial from the 90’s pic.twitter.com/NmU0mxd5Ss
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) December 18, 2017
GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this
ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol
GOD: *creates anteater*
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 8, 2017
— hlbchr (@hlbchr) December 18, 2017
maybe they’d still be around if they were called aliveasaurs
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) May 24, 2014
This yogurt bomb af pic.twitter.com/akGHDwiwKK
— Takãhalãfēlē Naminius (@JohnnyNami) December 11, 2017
want to see my dog jump through gate pic.twitter.com/vlYtWPaB8x
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) December 19, 2017
One of the things about star wars is some of the guys are named stuff like zapquan jabbazoop and then another guys name will be like Greg Spaceship.
— joe bell (@JoeBeII) December 17, 2017
This looks like a print ad for dog viagra pic.twitter.com/n8WdDcUwTV
— Logan (@PlagueLovers) December 20, 2017