Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @KrangTNelson (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 1-19-18
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) January 11, 2018
when you’re out having a good time and the dissociation hits pic.twitter.com/pzo88YLHlK
— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) January 16, 2018
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) January 18, 2018
oh my god she’s right pic.twitter.com/mhlyYhHT6s
— minding my business (@Lindzeta) January 18, 2018
FRIEND: You should do standup comedy!
ME: Sometimes I skip lunch because I’m too nervous to say my order out loud at Chipotle
— Mark Magark (@markedly) January 18, 2018
wtf is going on pic.twitter.com/GLyf8m8z0m
— JoeyBroccoliRavioli (@JoeyZoccoli) January 14, 2018
Are you ready for FUN?
*I open a barrel*
Dear God they’re all dead.
ALL the monkeys are dead & they ALL pooped. Oh this was a bad idea guys.
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 14, 2017
i made a compilation of my favorite dog vines because everyone deserves to see them pic.twitter.com/3ryIHJEtd3
— Gracie Boudreau (@gracieb7299) January 17, 2018
— Jamones al vaporwave (@PlanetaTamara) January 17, 2018
Me: I’m a strong feminist
Spider in my bathtub: LOL
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 11, 2018
The way Kanye is holding this computer is the richest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. pic.twitter.com/clIqy6gKua
— OMG, LaJethro (@LaJethroJenkins) January 18, 2018
Brain: It’s in that pocket.
Hand: It’s not here.
Brain: It fucking is, you put it there.
Hand: It’s fucking not. This isn’t my fault. I hate you. Oh, here it is.
— Paul (@bingowings14) November 15, 2017
What the hell is up with the wink? pic.twitter.com/l2NMInb0wA
— jordan (@JordanUhl) January 18, 2018
*Pink Floyd stops playing*
Roger Waters: Hey, whoever keeps yelling “just another dick and some balls,” knock it off. Trust us, we know the lyrics
*I slowly step down from my chair in the audience*
— ack (@Mr_Kapowski) January 18, 2018
Try not to yawn pic.twitter.com/MeQcJfgZCe
— Tim and Eric (@OfficialTandE) January 18, 2018
better late than never i suppose pic.twitter.com/BzRUod1ese
— lil sigourney weaver achiever (@internetlauren) January 17, 2018
I love being like characters on TV and just swinging by my friend’s apartments unannounced. they are always home, never busy, and never furious at me for doing this, no sir
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) January 17, 2018
so it turns out big bird cupcakes are horrifying pic.twitter.com/mBQwBsoits
— The Economy, Stupid (@nachdermas) January 18, 2018
me: hey what kind of broth is this? chicken?
from the bowl: NOBODY CALLS ME CHICKEN
me: waiter… there’s a mcfly in my soup
— BJ Dunne 2k18 (@realbjdunne) December 13, 2017
when you tryna beat off but your dog wont leave. pic.twitter.com/g3WhjS7LYf
— Daniel (@MyFavsTrash) January 18, 2018