YOLO Apocalypse: ‘Jersey Shore’ Casters Plan EDM Reality Show

"We are pioneers of an ugly age," say those responsible for reality TV's latest soulsuckery.

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud


As the technological age overcomes us in a great, singularity-embracing wash of fasterbettermoreNOW, the litmus for determining general douche caliber is becoming easier with each passing fad craze and mandate of social bandwagoning. 

So it should come as no surprise that the modern collective consciousness would spit out the latest offering of soulsucking battery acid for the brain in the form of a new reality show aimed at the electronic dance phenom, and – more specifically – those who would set fire to their own integrity and self-respect for a taste of the limelight currently occupied by Snooki, Honey BooBoo and the Kardashian/Kanye hybrid monsterspawn. That's right, folks – Doron Ofir Casting, the casting directors behind such vital and enriching cultural programming as "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila" and "Jersey Shore" have set their sights on the “first electronic dance music reality/competition show.”

Because YOLO, y'all. 

A website called EDM Casting has been launched, inviting wannabe DJs to apply for the show, with careful selection filters including “BRAG! What are your best assets? Physical, material and social.”

Reality TV DJs aren't exactly a new concept, as "Jersey Shore"'s Pauly D has been doing guest DJ spots all over the world for years now, working the volume knob and a few inactive switches as he waves a talentless orange hand in the sky at countless barrel-bottom club events. It's a lucrative business, partying powerfully with giddily ignorant mollyrocked masses happily grinding to a play button and paying homage to one of the greatest cultural cancers ever to hit a magazine cover. 

Comparatively, we may very well be longing for the days of Paris Hilton's "My New B.F.F." show soon enough, as reality TV's race to the bottom of the cultural shitstick increases exponentially in velocity and desperation.

"We are pioneers of an ugly age," Ofir told BlackBook Magazine in 2010, summarizing an entire decade of television programming in one sentence. "When people come in they have complete misconceptions about themselves. We do our thing, getting them to reveal themselves in the worst way."

Even the superstars are weighing in with their disdain for the idea. Deadmau5, for one, isn't impressed, tweeting "YAYAYAYYYYYY!!! I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR NEW TV MADE EDM SUPERSTARS!! thanks http://edmcasting.com, eat a d*ck." 

In the end, all we need to know about a show like this is contained within the "Appearance Release" that's attached to the casting application: "I acknowledge that such use [of my image, etc.] may be expose me, my family, and/or others to public ridicule or embarrassment, and may contain information, statements, or representations relating to me of a personal, private, disparaging, embarrassing and/or unfavorable nature, all of which may be summarized, edited, or modified in a manner that may be misleading or untrue."

And there you have it. The new national anthem.