Sasquatch Lineup Leaks! Ron Swanson is The Culprit

Nick Offerman's awesome alter-ego guides us through the Sasquatch preparations in a new video.

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud

Did you wake up this morning expecting Ron Swanson (aka Nick Offerman) to be sneaking under the festival radar with the Sasquatch 2013 lineup? If so, you've got some powerful predictive abilities, as Mr. Swanson gruffly greets us with the news that, "in Washington state, where weed is allowed," music lovers will be witness to sets from Merle Haggard, Menudo, Gloria Robertson-Smith (deceased) and more at the Northwestern festival, which runs May 24-27.

Naturally, that's not true. But we've got ourselves one hilarious spoof promo as a result of the tomfoolery, including a walkthrough of the grand design of the "BM 275OA/500 series" port-a-potty, which apparently also goes by the name Yosemite Falcon and the Thundercloset. While warning festivalgoers not to engage in "enthusiastic, even acrobatic lovemaking" inside these big green dens of bacterial armageddon, Swanson schools us all a bit on proper toilet etiquette. Unfortunately, it seems as if our beloved narrator meets a grisly end at the hands of either a chainsaw or an actual bigfoot monster…

Naturally, this isn't the real lineup. But anything Ron Swanson approves of is worth our time.

Head to the official Sasquatch page for more info.