Valentine’s Day. Some call it a day where lovers wrap themselves around each other and allow the unspoken poetry of their deepest desires unfold so that volumes may be spoken between them, silently. Others say Valentines Day is the one day a year where something as cliché as candy and flowers might get you laid. Still others complain that this day reminds the lonely that they are, in fact, lonely.
Then there is the argument that this is a fake holiday, presented by the scaly lords of corporate greed, in order to squeeze extra money out of the sheeple by pretending a lack of participation in this day means that you don’t care for your significant other. Using low self-esteem and relationship anxiety as weapons, we have managed to turn the world changing ideals of love into something that moves cheap candy and stupid cards.
But I digress….
One of the best ways to express your love for someone is through song. Love songs say so much, kind of like sad songs but in a more up beat style. Many use these songs as a direct way to confess their heart. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it’s just creepy as all get out. So for those looking to mixtape their way out of somebody’s heart, here are our picks for the 14 Creepiest Love Songs of All Time.
Misfits: "Die, Die, My Darling"
Album: Earth A.D./Wolf’s Blood Re-issue
Creepiest Lyric: "Don’t cry to me baby, your future is in an oblong box."
I do love my woman, really I do, but when she decides the last twenty minutes of the movie I’m watching is a time for us to talk and express our feelings, I might be forced to sing this song. This isn’t a total wash, she's still my darling, I just want her to be my dead darling.
Album: Ace Of Spades
Creepy Lyrics: "I don’t even dare ask your age. It’s enough to know you’re here backstage. You’re jailbait, and I just can’t wait."
Using a scalding hot shower and a chemical peel, you may get the absolute creepiness of Motorhead’s ode to underage love to wash off. I have to appreciate the band’s complete lack of worry that a state official might be more interested in this girl’s age than anyone else backstage. Being Motorhead, I’m not sure if the lyric “Still tied to Mommy’s apron strings” is a metaphor, or if the mother and daughter are both there to service Lemmy. Think about it.
Neil Diamond: "Sweet Caroline"
Album: Hot August Night
Creepy Lyric: "Warm touchin’ warm, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you."
While the very appearance of Neil Diamond sets off the creeper alert, this staple song of the Jazz Singer is just a bit too far over the weirdo line for comfort. There’s really just too much touching going on and the mind boggles at the idea of what “warm touchin’ warm means”. I can just picture the woman he’s singing this song to crying in the well while being told to put lotion in a basket.
AC/DC: "Let Me Put My Love Into You"
Album: Back In Black
Creepy Lyric: "Let me cut your cake with my knife."
It’s a clear and beautiful night. The girl you love is standing before you with her eyes aglow and her heart fluttering. You slide next to her, wrap her in your arms and say, ever so gently, “Let me cut your cake with my knife”. Can marriage be far behind? If that doesn’t work then explain to her how you’ve been following her around in your “machine” in order to show her you have the power. Still no good, just use the poetic line, “Don’t you struggle, don’t you fight, don’t you worry, cause it’s your turn tonight”. Then enjoy the sweet and refreshing taste of of mace.
Oran “Juice” Jones: "The Rain"
Creepy Lyric: "At first I was gonna run up on you and pull a Rambo, pull out the jammy and flat blast both y’all"
Apparently our good buddy “Juice” woke up one rainy afternoon and decided to follow his girlfriend. When he discovered that his lady was cheating, “Juice” then waited for her back at their plush apartment and kicked her out while reciting a colorful soliloquy about squirrels and nuts. Juice captures both the absolute creepiness of following somebody around in the verse and chorus, then steps right into the testosterone overload of threats and violence during the end. Thankfully Juice had on his $3600 Lynx coat or both his cheating girlfriend and her lover would have been blown away.
The Ramones: "The KKK Took My Baby Away"
Album: Pleasant Dreams
Creepy Lyric: The whole song
Styles change. Today’s woman might not want the standard suit and tie or jeans and T-shirt guy. You need to do something quick, effective and highly visual. The ignorant racist hayseed on the go has to be stylish and ready to retreat into the night like a coward. That’s why we here at KKK Men’s Shop give you the best array of sheets, pillowcases and Red Dragon headwear. No woman can resist it, especially when that woman is born of two siblings. Don’t cry over her being stolen by a dapper man in a white sheet. Just accept it.
J.Frank Wilson & The Cavaliers: "Last Kiss"
Album: The Last Kiss Sessions
Creepy Lyric: "The crying tires, the bustin’ glass, the painful scream that I heard last."
I’m all about lamenting lost love, but writing a fifties rock ballad about your girl dying in a car crash edges right into the creepy zone. Not only is this the sweet story of vehicular manslaughter, it’s also cooed to us by a guy who dedicates his life to being the straight arrow. Out of guilt? Nope. Out of the desire to do penance? Nope. Our good buddy wants to make sure he sees his girlfriend in the afterlife. Good plan dude. Well done. Pearl Jam even covered your goodness.
The Police: "Every Breath You Take"
Creepy Lyric: "Every single day, every word you say, every game you play and every night you stay, I’ll be watching you."
No list of creepified love jams is complete without the absolute top-notch stalker theme song. Ironically performed by The Police, this little ditty of obsession attempts to bridge the delicate gap between “I Love you” and “If I can’t have you nobody else fucking will”. The protagonist here even tries the calm; cool reasoning of “Can’t you see, you belong to me”. Nothing wins a lady back like the moist stench of violent desperation.
Tommy Tutone: Jenny (867-5309)"
Album: Tommy Tutone 2
Creepy Lyric: "Jenny, Jenny, you’re the girl for me, you don’t know me but you make me so happy."
Okay sir let me see if I got this right. You saw a young woman, either in a public place or through the window of her home. If I’m correct at no point did this woman acknowledge you exist? Okay, good to know. So you then found this fantasy woman’s number, coincidentally, on a bathroom wall. You haven’t called her but you are stalking her. Though to be honest we have no idea if the number on the wall is that number of the fantasy girl you love but have never talked to. Uh huh, good stuff. We’d like you to talk to these men in the white coats; they have some lovely blue pills for you.
The Smiths: "Girlfriend In A Coma"
Album: Strangeways Here We Come
Creepy Lyric: "There are times when I could have murdered her, but I’d hate anything to happen to her, no I don’t want to see her."
It’s tough breaking up with a girl, no matter how hard you try. Thankfully for Morrissey, his girlfriend was kind enough to slip into a coma. While most would fall into the depths of sadness, our hero argues with the doctor about whether he even wants to see her. He wants her to pull through, he knows this is serious, but he’s not sure he wants to be anywhere near her, though he would hate anything to happen to her. Not as much creepy as it is mystifyingly self-involved, this could still be a creepier on a mix tape for the title alone.
Bruce Springsteen: "I’m On Fire"
Album: Born In The USA
Creepy Lyric: "Hey little girl is your daddy home? Did he go away and leave you alone? I got a bad desire, I’m on fire."
Really your honor, this is just a big misunderstanding. I didn’t realize that the girl I was asking about her daddy was that age until the To Catch A Predator folks let me in on the secret. Yes, I realize that I asked this girl if her daddy was good to her and asked if he did all the things I could do. Clearly I meant bake cookies and sew Girl Scout uniforms. I was also unaware of the irony of my condition and how claiming I was on fire might not have been taken the way it should be. Really, it’s not creepy, especially not the low, stalker-on-the-phone way I sang this to her.
Lionel Richie: "Hello"
Album: Can’t Slow Down
Creepy Lyric: "I’ve been alone with you inside my mind, and in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times."
When preparing to scare the shit out of the woman you think you love but don’t know at all, it’s good to begin with masturbation fantasies and then move on to the next level stuff, like saying hello. Stalking often gets a bad rap simply because one is not prepared properly. Begin by walking behind your target and singing in a falsetto. Then create dozens of ideal aspects of this person you’ve never talked to or spent any time with. Make sure you repeat this until you feel your chest is about to burst and then wait for her to make a clay mold of your head. Should work out great.
George Michael: "Father Figure"
Creepy Lyric: "That’s all I wanted but sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime."
Few songs ooze creepiness like this ode to daddy issues. Apparently Mr. Michaels is interested in somebody with tiny hands who wants a father figure and allows him to say he’s the daddy. No, not creepy at all. What could possibly be creepy about a song that sounds like music you’d hear walking through the doors of a NAMBLA meeting or during the scene in SVU when the criminal says “I don’t mean to hurt the little girls, they’re just so fragile”. *SHUDDER*
Various Artists: "Baby It’s Cold Outside"
Album: Most Christmas albums
While most songs court around the idea of stalking, or try to avoid the entire idea of date rape, Baby It’s Cold Outside goes right for the heart of the matter. The message of this entire song is “You can’t leave, and if you try to leave I will drug you”. No matter how much the girl begs, the man in this tune refuses to let her exit. When promises of disease or a frozen death don’t work, our Christmas creeper slips a roofie in the girl’s drink and then starts talking about how delicious her lips look. It’s like Christmas with the Mansons.
Okay, I’m sufficiently creeped out. Time for a shower.
Happy Valentines Day!