There is a monster out there eating our children.
It’s a long scaly beast with a spiked tail that has an irritated twitch to it, especially when a fresh kill is near. The face of the beast is round and flabby covered with clown paint and locked in a permanent insidious smile. The eye sockets are deep and covered with red veins, the eyes themselves simply giant dollar signs. The worst part of the beast is the sound it makes, a clumsy and desperate call to arms for those who feel they’ve fallen far below the radar.
The beast is drawn to insecurity, ignorance and youthful inadequacy as a shark would be drawn to an open ocean filled with blood. It’s not chum in these waters but young America, teens and twentysomethings all brought up on the empty promises of the generation before them. These are the children of video games, DVDs, Internet access and the mall. The American way of life has raised these children and now, with the beast behind them, they have come back to roost. The only emotion I can feel is fear, fear that the future is upon us, and it’s called Juggalo (Jug-a-Low).
For those uninitiated or just lucky enough to have avoided the whole unpleasant incident altogether a Juggalo is a devout follower of the Insane Clown Posse a band so devoid of talent it’s almost shocking to the system. Their followers are a devoted group who hinge on the Insane Clown Posse’s every word in hopes that they will glean some form of true rebellion from their little tribe. ICP (Insane Clown Posse) are their God and the music is the divine word.
Like most false prophets the rebellion promised by ICP is devoid of any truth. What seems like theme music for the outsider is simply boring adolescent images of violence and revenge adorned by the most convenient type of physical manifestation. Giant earrings, bad tattoos, silly hairstyles and a lame attempt at another “language” are all the ICP servant is given for his years of faithful service. This beast is ruthless and as the children are given fewer and fewer heroes it becomes easier to eat them.
To avoid falling into this pit, to avoid the despair that comes with finding yourself deep in some backwoods area covered in clown face paint waiting for a show to begin featuring music that would have driven the creators of rap into a fast suicide, I have come up with ten sure signs that you could be Juggalo.
Any one of these signs alone won’t do it but if you find yourself associating with three or more then it’s time for some serious introspection, as you have become food for the beast. Use these ten things well and perhaps you can avoid being gobbled up by the clown faced lizard creature that roams in the night.
10. The Frame Holding Your High School Diploma Is Empty.
Having read and watched interviews with Juggalos and even the actual Insane Clowns from the posse it seems that education is not a high priority here. I’m sure statistically that somewhere out there roams a Nuclear Physicist or Pulitzer Prize Winning author that counts themselves amongst the Juggelo elite. As of right now I have never met them and I’ve been hard pressed to find anybody who has.
I’m sure there are Juggalos right now who are reading this and boiling at the idea that I’m calling them stupid. I would just ask that before you send in your proof of purchase seals to buy the ICP Brass Knuckle Set with which to beat me senseless. You take a breath and ask yourself how many college graduate Juggalos you know. Do you as a Juggalo really care about education? Do it quickly before your beer gets warm.
09. Korn & Limp Bizkit Are Just A Little Too Experimental For You
I’ve also noticed a lack of musical appreciation and taste within the Juggelo set. I say this based mainly on listening to the ICP catalog. Lyrically and musically all of these records sound the same. The beats are arranged the same, the instruments sound the same, even the cadence Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope rhyme to is repetitive. For as much as they claim to come from the dark side most of this sounds like hang out theme music from outside the local Denny’s or Circle K. Show me where ICP break ground from anything they’ve done before and I’ll buy into their dark side of the music world rhetoric.
08. You Are Older Than 12 And Still Insist On a Juggelo Nickname
While I can understand the pre-teen idea that it’s cool to have a nickname, watching grown men christen themselves with names that feature the words “Crazy”, “Bozack” or “Insane” is just laughable. The same goes for implying how many drugs you consume or how much alcohol you drink in your name e.g. Dusted Pete, KJ Kegger or Smoked Out Phil. I rarely hear more honest sounding nicknames from the Juggalo camp such as Shirtless Jack, Fries With That Freddy or Unemployed Steve. While I don’t begrudge the ICP performers for having nicknames (it’s all part of the show) we should agree that just the kiddy fans should keep the flashy monikers.
