There is a monster out there eating our children.
It’s a long scaly beast with a spiked tail that has an irritated twitch to it, especially when a fresh kill is near. The face of the beast is round and flabby covered with clown paint and locked in a permanent insidious smile. The eye sockets are deep and covered with red veins, the eyes themselves simply giant dollar signs. The worst part of the beast is the sound it makes, a clumsy and desperate call to arms for those who feel they’ve fallen far below the radar.
The beast is drawn to insecurity, ignorance and youthful inadequacy as a shark would be drawn to an open ocean filled with blood. It’s not chum in these waters but young America, teens and twentysomethings all brought up on the empty promises of the generation before them. These are the children of video games, DVDs, Internet access and the mall. The American way of life has raised these children and now, with the beast behind them, they have come back to roost. The only emotion I can feel is fear, fear that the future is upon us, and it’s called Juggalo (Jug-a-Low).
For those uninitiated or just lucky enough to have avoided the whole unpleasant incident altogether a Juggalo is a devout follower of the Insane Clown Posse a band so devoid of talent it’s almost shocking to the system. Their followers are a devoted group who hinge on the Insane Clown Posse’s every word in hopes that they will glean some form of true rebellion from their little tribe. ICP (Insane Clown Posse) are their God and the music is the divine word.
Like most false prophets the rebellion promised by ICP is devoid of any truth. What seems like theme music for the outsider is simply boring adolescent images of violence and revenge adorned by the most convenient type of physical manifestation. Giant earrings, bad tattoos, silly hairstyles and a lame attempt at another “language” are all the ICP servant is given for his years of faithful service. This beast is ruthless and as the children are given fewer and fewer heroes it becomes easier to eat them.
To avoid falling into this pit, to avoid the despair that comes with finding yourself deep in some backwoods area covered in clown face paint waiting for a show to begin featuring music that would have driven the creators of rap into a fast suicide, I have come up with ten sure signs that you could be Juggalo.
Any one of these signs alone won’t do it but if you find yourself associating with three or more then it’s time for some serious introspection, as you have become food for the beast. Use these ten things well and perhaps you can avoid being gobbled up by the clown faced lizard creature that roams in the night.
10. The Frame Holding Your High School Diploma Is Empty.
Having read and watched interviews with Juggalos and even the actual Insane Clowns from the posse it seems that education is not a high priority here. I’m sure statistically that somewhere out there roams a Nuclear Physicist or Pulitzer Prize Winning author that counts themselves amongst the Juggelo elite. As of right now I have never met them and I’ve been hard pressed to find anybody who has.
I’m sure there are Juggalos right now who are reading this and boiling at the idea that I’m calling them stupid. I would just ask that before you send in your proof of purchase seals to buy the ICP Brass Knuckle Set with which to beat me senseless. You take a breath and ask yourself how many college graduate Juggalos you know. Do you as a Juggalo really care about education? Do it quickly before your beer gets warm.
09. Korn & Limp Bizkit Are Just A Little Too Experimental For You
I’ve also noticed a lack of musical appreciation and taste within the Juggelo set. I say this based mainly on listening to the ICP catalog. Lyrically and musically all of these records sound the same. The beats are arranged the same, the instruments sound the same, even the cadence Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope rhyme to is repetitive. For as much as they claim to come from the dark side most of this sounds like hang out theme music from outside the local Denny’s or Circle K. Show me where ICP break ground from anything they’ve done before and I’ll buy into their dark side of the music world rhetoric.
08. You Are Older Than 12 And Still Insist On a Juggelo Nickname
While I can understand the pre-teen idea that it’s cool to have a nickname, watching grown men christen themselves with names that feature the words “Crazy”, “Bozack” or “Insane” is just laughable. The same goes for implying how many drugs you consume or how much alcohol you drink in your name e.g. Dusted Pete, KJ Kegger or Smoked Out Phil. I rarely hear more honest sounding nicknames from the Juggalo camp such as Shirtless Jack, Fries With That Freddy or Unemployed Steve. While I don’t begrudge the ICP performers for having nicknames (it’s all part of the show) we should agree that just the kiddy fans should keep the flashy monikers.
07. As A Girl Or “Juggalette” You Find The Degrading Comments and Objectification Kinda Cute.
As with most testosterone based music women are not only secondary citizens but also interchangeable window dressing. At the ICP “Gathering” they serve giant legs of turkey charmingly referred to as “Bitch Beaters” while the men try to get the women to show their breasts or berate them as Jugahoes. If a female Juggalette happens to pass the inspection of the largely overweight and un-bathed male Juggelos she might be referred to as a Necksnapper. This is apparently high praise. The best part is with all of that going on most of the female ICP fans giggle, smile insipidly or simply go along with it to be considered part of the crowd.
Now I realize a lot of Hip Hop is degrading to women but I was under the impression that Juggalos were all about unity and family. That this was a collective of the unwanted masses, a place people who had no solace could find some. Apparently that’s not true if you are a female ICP fan. If you stay quiet long enough and listen carefully you may be able to hear Gloria Steinem weeping.
06. You Live A “Shirt Optional” Kind Of Life.
Do you find shirts annoying? Do you find anytime the perfect time to whip off your shirt and walk around? Does wearing a “Wife Beater” outside make you feel over dressed? It seems that shirts are a very optional item with the Juggalos. Part of me kind of respects that because they don’t seem to care about what they look like without a shirt just that the shirt comes off. I’m especially fond of the shirtless-with-giant-shorts look.
Juggalos really seem to enjoy living in the 1994 Rave scene at least fashionably speaking. Giant shorts, pants with multiple zippers that sag so heavy your shoes vanish, and of course lots of necklaces and rings. Sometime soon when you’re perusing your closet take stock of how many items like these you have and maybe write down on a piece of paper every time you take your shirt off. I think you’ll be surprised.
05. You Feel That Adding “Alo” To Everything Makes You Part Of Something Subversive And Underground.
Fishalo, Gunalo, Bombalo, these are just some of the examples of new words you can make by adding “Alo” to the end of every word you say. Somehow Juggalos think that this gives their little tribe some kind of secret language only they know about. Really it’s almost like lazy Pig Latin or the Shizzle Dizzle Epidemic that ran through pop culture a few years back. This isn’t a code or a big secret because; well, mainly because we still know what you’re saying you just sound silly saying it.
I’m also perplexed because trying to incorporate everything into the Juggalo world by adding the last three letters onto a word seems to work against the us vs. them ideal the Juggalos thrive on. Why expand the gene pool when you’ve spent so much time swimming in the shallow end?
04. You Have A Compulsive Need To Braid Your Hair
Does your hair often look like you got beaten up by a bunch of rubber bands? Perhaps it looks as if your growing a field of garbage bag twist ties atop your ICP infested melon? If this is true then you’re well on your way to being a Juggalo. It could be the fashionable way to keep your hair out of your face whilst somebody sprays it white in reverence to your heroes. Then again it may keep that darn long hair from falling into your beer. Whatever the reason if you catch yourself constantly braiding your hair, male or female, then you’ll have a place of high command in your local Juggalo army.
I’m surprised with all their other endeavors (movies, wrestling, etc) that the ICP guys haven’t opened a Juggalo Hair Salon specializing in various types of braiding. They could teach advance bead placement, how to braid over dreads, how to only braid every other strand of hair and so on. This salon could be huge. In fact if either of the Insane Clowns decides this is a good idea I want a cut of the profits.
03. I Paint My Face, Therefore I Am
No Juggalo can be called true without a vast knowledge of how to paint themselves up with clown make up. Apparently Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope have many types of clown faces with many subtle levels. After all, subtly is the corner stone of the ICP Musical Experience. You can’t just slop any old clown face on there and if you do then you’re not a true Juggalo. Is it white face with black eyes? Red face with black eyes and chin, black face with white eyes and teeth, the choices are endless but you’d better know all of them.
Like any other serious movement in this country hiding your face is a must. The leaders of your little clan paint their faces so you must in turn pant your own face. ICP is about individual thought and not going along with the crowd so shut your mouth and get that damn face paint on!!
02. You Have An Over Developed Persecution Complex
This is a big one because it seems to be the Juggalo Mantra. If anything bad happens to you in your life it’s because you are a Juggalo and people don’t like you. With this understanding you can completely wash your hands of any type of responsibility for your actions. Drunk in public and acting like buffoon? Doesn’t matter, those people really hate you because you’re a Juggalo. You didn’t get kicked out of the club for starting fights and groping girls, it was because you’re a Juggalo!! No matter how silly or juvenile your actions are you live in a Juggalo Bubble that keeps fault and blame at bay. You don’t need to change, society does.
It’s not that the typical Juggalo spends his or her time drunk or high, it’s that society doesn’t understand them. Juggalos aren’t lazy; the world holds them down because they stand for something too sinister to be let into a civilized world. After all, these are fans of two guys dressed as clowns who rap! Could there be anything more subversive? A Juggalo has a firm understanding that everything he does is for the greater good if only a blind and repressed society could see that.
01. You’re Getting Really, Really, Really Angry Reading This
First and foremost a Juggalo has no sense of humor about his or her self. You can say whatever you want about other things but if anybody calls into question the Juggalo way of life then you must flip out completely. Having a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself and the genre of music you’re dedicated to is right out of the question. This is a serious business this Horror Clown Rap and if anybody makes fun of it then you must rain fire and destruction down upon him or her.
Your need to show the world that Juggalos aren’t mindless clods is best served by beating the crap out of anybody who says anything against them. You want the world to leave you alone, let you have your thoughts and opinions without judging you. However if anybody else expects the same thing from a Juggalo he or she will probably be spitting out a mouthful of teeth. That’s always been the American way and now it’s The Juggalo way.
These are the warning signs that the beast may come for you. Offering friendship and a place to belong he will extend his talon hand and pull you into a world that shows little hope for the human race. Be wary of this beast and use these ten indicators to protect yourself from it. If you turn a blinds eye to this then the egg—and clown make up—will be on your face forever.