.jpg) By Johnny Firecloud | If the mole don't fit, you must acquit! Well, the mole did fit, but the magical black leprechaun diva millionaire we call R. Kelly was still acquitted of all 14 counts of child pornography he's been fighting for more than half a decade. |
Glory be to the giant golden horseshoe forever lodged deep inside Mr. Kelly's rectal cavity, as well as to the American judicial system, who have once again proven themselves to be impeccable shining beacons of justice in this great nation of ours.
The verdict came six years after the multi-platinum R&B superstar was first charged with videotaping himself having sex with a 13 year old girl and pissing all over her. If you haven't seen the tape itself, you've undoubtedly at least witnessed Dave Chappelle's rendition of the event in question:
The Grammy award-winning singer was facing 15 years in prison if convicted, and hugged each of his four attorneys like the miracle makers they are after the verdict was read. You see, Kelly's lawyers, through some stroke of inconceivable Jedi wizardry, actually floated the idea that someone doctored the tape by switching another man's head out with their client's, as well as that of the alleged victim. The prosecution's star witness was a woman named Lisa Van Allen, who said she took part in several 3-ways with Kelly and the girl from the video - even once on a basketball court. But both Kelly and the now-23 year-old "alleged" victim had denied that it was them on the tape, despite the fact that both of their faces are clearly visible for a significant length of time.
Dozens of fans screamed and cheered as he climbed into a waiting SUV after the verdict. The show of support from fans (nearly all female - and likely watersports enthusiasts) is a good sign for Kelly, who's got an album coming out in July. As for the rest of us, we'd have been fine locking his ass up; there's plenty of Usher and Chris Brown to go round. We can certainly do without another forty-episode R&B musical soap opera.
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