By Johnny Firecloud

Sunday night's 50th Annual Grammy Awards was nothing short of a variety show, stretching on for a mind-numbing 3 1/2 hours - and the night's biggest winner wasn't even there. Amy Winehouse had to be beamed in by satellite from her hometown of London due to visa (crack) complications, but it didn't stop her from dominating the night with five wins including Record of the Year and Best New Artist.

Looking unusually sober, she also delivered one of the event's two truly memorable performances, with soulful renditions of "You Know I'm No Good" (during which she made a shoutout to her incarcerated husband Blake), and the ironic-is-an-understatement hit "Rehab".

The show kicked off with an inspired duet between Alicia Keys and a vintage black-and-white performance by Frank Sinatra. God help me, I wanted to hate it. Bastardizing classic performances with virtual "duets" should be outlawed as far as I'm concerned, but Alicia Keys undeniably shined, making the song her own. She later won Best R&B Vocal Performance.

On an outdoor stage, Rock Album of the Year winners the Foo Fighters performed "The Pretender" with full orchestra, surrounded by their own sea of fans. Cirque du Soleil troupe also did a dazzling dance interpretation of the Beatles' "A Day in the Life," followed by a gospel rendition of "Let It Be." Beyonce and Tina Turner later performed a "Proud Mary" duet, and although Tina's about 97 years old she still tore shit up. A very nervous-looking Feist also offered her hit "1-2-3-4" largely alone on acoustic, until a soft-stepping horn section provided assistance.

Kanye West delivered the night's second most powerful performance, with a dazzling DayGlo-and-pyro take on "Stronger," wearing a jacket with flashing LED lights and light-up shades. "Stronger" segued into a stirring "Hey Mama," dedicated to his mother Donda West, who died last year. He followed Winehouse's lead with four wins, including Best Rap Album. This makes Kanye 0-for-3 in the Album of the Year category, an award that surprisingly went to veteran jazz player Herbie Hancock, who won for his album River: The Joni Letters. But Kanye restrained himself this year, choosing not to storm the stage in protest. His only outburst consisted of scolding the timekeepers trying to cut short his acceptance remarks.

While accepting the ceremony's highest award, a surprised Hancock said “I’d like to thank the academy for courageously breaking the mold” during his acceptance, adding a few words of appreciation for Joni Mitchell, who inspired the album. He later joined Chinese virtuoso Lang Lang at twin grand pianos for an orchestral arrangement of the Gershwin classic "Rhapsody in Blue."

The ugly beast of politics even reared its head last night, as presidential candidate Barack Obama won the best-spoken word album category for the audio version of his book The Audacity Of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream, beating out Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. He won the same award in 2006 for the audio version of his 1995 memoir, Dreams from My Father.

Check the next page for a full list of 2008 Grammy Winners

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
River: The Joni Letters, Herbie Hancock

RECORD OF THE YEAR
''Rehab,'' Amy Winehouse

SONG OF THE YEAR
''Rehab,'' Amy Winehouse

NEW ARTIST
Amy Winehouse

RAP ALBUM
Graduation, Kanye West

ROCK ALBUM
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace, Foo Fighters

ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM
Icky Thump, the White Stripes

POP VOCAL ALBUM
Back to Black, Amy Winehouse

COUNTRY ALBUM
These Days, Vince Gill

R&B ALBUM
Funk This, Chaka Khan

CONTEMPORARY R&B ALBUM
Because of You, Ne-Yo

FEMALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''Rehab,'' Amy Winehouse

MALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''What Goes Around...Comes Around,'' Justin Timberlake

POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
''Makes Me Wonder,'' Maroon 5

SOLO ROCK VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''Radio Nowhere,'' Bruce Springsteen

ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
''Icky Thump,'' the White Stripes

HARD ROCK PERFORMANCE
''The Pretender,'' Foo Fighters

ROCK SONG
''Radio Nowhere,'' Bruce Springsteen, songwriter (Bruce Springsteen)

FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''No One,'' Alicia Keys

MALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''Future Baby Mama,'' Prince

R&B PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
''Disrespectful,'' Chaka Khan Featuring Mary J. Blige

R&B SONG
''No One,'' Alicia Keys

RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE
''Stronger,'' Kanye West

RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION
''Umbrella,'' Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z

RAP PEFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP
''Southside,'' Common Featuring Kanye West

RAP SONG
''Good Life,'' Kanye West Featuring T-Pain

FEMALE COUNTRY VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''Before He Cheats,'' Carrie Underwood

MALE COUNTRY VOCAL PERFORMANCE
''Stupid Boy,'' Keith Urban

COUNTRY PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
''How Long,'' the Eagles

COUNTRY SONG
''Before He Cheats,'' Carrie Underwood

BEST COMPILATION SOUNDTRACK ALBUM FOR MOTION PICTURE, TELEVISION OR OTHER VISUAL MEDIA
Love, the Beatles (George Martin and Giles Martin, producers)