The Sexual Proclivities of Each Zodiac Sign

Astrology in the bedroom.

Noah Henryby Noah Henry

Astrology is all about generalizing, and that is exactly what I intend to do here. Let’s explore some of the crudest and lewdest libidinous desires of each zodiac sign.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The Aries craves new and exciting sexual experiences. They love nothing more than adrenaline. You will find the Aries often screwing outdoors like a dirty animal, roughly, and occasionally pulling hair and scratching. Like a post-pubescent masturbatory wizard, the Aries is quick and selfish in bed.

Famous Aries: Emma Watson

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you meet a Taurus at the bar, you better have whipped cream back home.

The Taurus is the sexual glutton of the bunch. And I don’t mean they have an insatiable sex drive, I mean they eat a lot in bed. Due to a heightened sense of taste, Tauruses enjoy filling their faces with fatty foods. They are generally lazy in bed, much like bored Texas cattle on a hot summer’s day.

Famous Taurus: Megan Fox

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
One might draw a comparison between a Gemini and a schizoid meth addict on Cialis, as in, they act demonically possessed in the sack. They are curious and open and never shy away from a new sexual experience. Their inquisitive nature often lends them to bisexuality. The Gemini plays the penis like a saxophone and the vagina like a piccolo, as they are talented orally.

Famous Gemini: Morgan Freeman

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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The Cancer thrives on love, family, and a***. Ostensibly conservative, they often mask boiling sexual urges with a plain white blouse and a Sunday church service. They sometimes regret sex because they are fixated on tradition and morality. But that doesn’t stop them from donning nipple clamps and leather gimp suits. Eric Cartman’s mom is probably a Cancer.

Famous Cancer: Selena Gomez

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
The Leo has a natural magnetism which gets them laid a lot. Their animal, the lion, is known for its sexual dominance and frequency of boning. Famously unfaithful and hopelessly addicted to porn, their libido is only second to their love for biting. While the Leo makes for a great one-night stand, they are subpar when it comes to relationships.

Famous Leo: Barack Obama

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Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The stereotype of the coy Christian schoolgirl with an underlying rank desire for nastiness is the staple of the Virgo. They are quick to tell you they are virgins (because scat play doesn’t count). Exuding a prudish sexual image is important to the Virgo. When they’re not building a fruit basket or knitting, they are cuffing up to the bed in full bondage gear.

Famous Virgo: Beyoncé

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The Libra is keen to lie about any sexual fantasies they have. They are notoriously into butts, though they keep that on the DL until it becomes glaringly evident in bed. As a Libra I can’t deny this.

Famous Libra: Candice Swanepoel

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Scorpios often put themselves in sex addiction rehab. Sex is a religion to them. It is their purpose of living. There are two types of Scorpios: ones that haplessly delve into unquenchable sexual escapades, and ones who haplessly neuter themselves to live a life of celibacy somewhere in the mountains with a horse.

Famous Scorpio: Katy Perry

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Nothing makes the Sagittarius happier than doing it in the wilderness like they do on the Discovery Channel. They’re adventurous, and their elusiveness is their primary appeal. If you are a Sagittarius, ask yourself whether you have ever had sex in a weird location. Have you?

Famous Sagittarius: Scarlett Johansson

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Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Capricorns are consummate professionals outside the sack and stoic meshes of vanilla behavior in the sack. They find sex primal and awkward, and very rarely experiment. Once Capricorns are done with mechanically thrusting, they get up and check their email, because what’s the point of cuddling anyway?

Famous Capricorn: Michelle Obama

The Sexual Proclivities of Each Zodiac Sign, michelle obama zodiac

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Inventive and progressive, the Aquarius can be found reading the Kama Sutra. A hearty sexual appetite and a blasé worldview gets them dangerously close to contracting crabs and Hep C on occasion.

Famous Aquarius: Justin Timberlake

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Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
The Pisces will woo you with sensuality and charm, and then they will stick your foot in their mouth ASAP. Yes, the Pisces has a foot fetish–smelly or no, doesn’t matter; all that matters is whether you, too, have a penchant for toe grime and scaly calluses.

Famous Pisces: Justin Bieber

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