Celebutards: Issue 5

If you've been wondering what Kristen Stewart, Miley Cyrus and Avatar director James Cameron have been up to, Nathan Jordan's got you covered!

Nathan Jordanby Nathan Jordan

Celebutards: Issue 5

By Nathan Jordan
Hello, all. This week the celebutards are in full force. We have pot busts, pleas for world peace, and the divorce of a man who is gay… for dogs. Now please stand behind the yellow line while the bus is in motion!

Chace Crawford was busted this week in Plano, Texas with a joint. So much for Gossip Girl because in Texas I’m pretty sure getting busted for anything means the death penalty. (Unless you’re busted for porking cows. Then it’s don’t ask, don’t tell.)

Kristen Stewart is the master of the simile. She explained the paparazzi to Elle UK: "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. The photos are so…I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped. A lot of the time I can't handle it. It's f---ed. I never expected that this would be my life." Kristen, if you want to see what it’s like looking at someone getting raped, force me to watch your sh***y vampire movies.

I looked everywhere for a hot picture of Kristen Stewart. They don’t exist.

Miley Cyrus is making an attempt to stay relevant in (almost) the best way possible, by pretending to make out with a female dancer. (I guess you have to be 18 to really make out with another girl on stage. We’ll be waiting.) Miley was performing "Can’t Be Tamed, "which is supposedly a song, on Britain’s Got Talent, when she fake made out with the girl. Later in the week Miley responded to the controversy on her blog saying she was just “rocking out” with a fellow entertainer. She then goes on to plead for world peace: “GET OVER IT! NOTHING HAPPENED. THERE ARE WAYYYYYY (sic) MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD. Lets start focusing a little less on making up ignorant rumors and focus a little more on world peace!” How about you just shut up and make out with more chicks, Miley?

The future of world peace.

James Cameron offered his services to BP to help clean up the oil spill and was summarily rejected. "Over the last few weeks I've watched as we all have with growing sort of horror and heartache watching what's happening in the Gulf and thinking those morons don't know what they're doing," Cameron said at the D8 tech conference last Wednesday night. Cameron knows a lot of folks who work at depths greater than where the leak is located and wants to bring them aboard. He’s speaking, of course, of Bill Paxton and CGI water aliens.  

Cesar Millan is in the dog house. No, really. He’s probably in a dog house right now. He’s also getting a divorce from his wife who is appropriately named “Illusion.” As in, Cesar Millan being married to a woman must be some kind of illusion.

Cesar Millan’s wife once again playing third wheel.

Chris Brown has been banned from the UK. He was denied a visa for his upcoming tour because he beat the crap out of Rihanna last year. Not only did Chris cancel his tour in England, but he apparently thinks all of Europe is one country, as seen in his tweet regarding the incident: “SORRY to all the fans in Europe!!! My tour is cancelled. I’m pretty sure y’all know. My entry was denied in your country. I love you. SORRY!!” Now if we can just keep him from coming back here.

Well that’s all for this week, folks. I can be reached via www.whitesocksblackshoes.com and become a fan on Facebook.