Celebutards: Issue 4

Kanye West, Tila Tequila, Justin Bieber and Heidi Montag are just SOME of the "stars" that Nathan Jordan has in his cross-hairs this week!

Nathan Jordanby Nathan Jordan

Celebutards: Issue 4

By Nathan Jordan
This week is all about divorce, rehab, and douche bags. So sit back and relax as we get our tard on…

KENDRA WILKINSON is begging for her privacy. She’s hoping people simply “don’t press play,” when it comes to her newly-released sex tape. Of course she’s doing all this “begging” in front of hundreds of television viewers during the season finale of her lame-ass reality show. Amazing timing isn’t it? It has already been revealed that Kendra already tried to sell the sex tape herself, so it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for her. "I just hope to God nobody looks at me like a porn star or something,” she says. “I just hope they don't press play because that's not me. I mean, that was me, but that's not me now."

Kendra during her “was me” phase.

AL and TIPPER GORE have called it quits. They were married for 40 years. It appears there are no extramarital shenanigans involved. Even his divorces are boring.

Have HEIDI MONTAG and SPENCER PRATT ended things? According to TMZ they may have, and apparently Heidi has been looking for a new place to live. Maybe she’s feeling all empowered after being cast in the Mannequin reboot. She’ll play the mannequin before it turns into a real girl.

Caption: Back when Heidi was still irrelevant, but more life-like.

The co-host of an Australian talk show claims that sweet little JUSTIN BIEBER screamed at the floor manager of the show. The manager was directing Bieber to a stage to perform a song when Bieber reportedly turned around and told the employee, “Don’t ever f**king touch me again.” Speaking of Justin Bieber, I found out today a Justin Bieber/JADEN SMITH duet will be just one more reason to see The Karate Kid. And I thought the highlight of my summer was going to be the RUBEN STUDDARD/CLAY AIKEN concert. Was I sorely mistaken.

Everybody’s favorite train wreck show, Celebrity Rehab, has been postponed. The show was supposed to start filming this week, but the only celebrities desperate enough for the attention were TILA TEQUILA and somebody named JASON WAHLER. LINDSAY LOHAN was offered $1 million to participate, but apparently she isn’t that desperate yet. Yet.

The first thing that happens in rehab is that she has to change her name.

The new season of American Idol started? Why didn’t somebody tell me?

It’s a slow gossip week, so I’ll report that SHANNEN DOHERTY is pissed that NICOLE SCHWARZENEGGER (or whatever her name is… that girl from the Pussy Cat Dolls), won Dancing with the Stars. Shannen told E! Online that it’s hard to compete with someone who is already a professional dancer. It would be like Shannen being invited to compete in a show called Spoiled American Bitch.

Here’s Nicole what’s-her-name. Just because.

KANYE WEST gets all gangsta on his next album and disses the cast of Saturday Night Live for making fun of him. In his latest single, POWER, Kanye raps “F--k SNL and the whole cast,” apparently responding to a skit where TAYLOR LAUTNER made fun of Kanye’s infamous MTV Music Awards tirade. I guess this is what happens when you get rich and famous and have nothing left to say except what a bummer it is being rich and famous. Must be nice.

Well, that’s all the tardness for this week. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail. via www.whitesocksblackshoes.com and become a fan on Facebook.