Celebutards: Issue 1

Nathan Jordan explores the world of celebrity insanity, featuring the antics of Kim Kardashian, Mischa Barton and other losers!

Nathan Jordanby Nathan Jordan

Celebutards: Issue 1

By Nathan Jordan
Welcome to the first edition of Celebutards, the new weekly column where I’ll be talking about the lives of people you don’t even know you care about. But you do care. Trust me. You do. This week features the usual news about celebrity sex tapes and celebrity sex changes, so without further adieu, let’s get it on!

MICKEY ROUKE told Parade Magazine that most movie stars are just big frauds: “You can be less than mediocre and be a f***ing movie star. I have respect for very few actors and actresses. Some of them get a lot of acclaim, but just because their movie made $200 million at the box office; they still suck.” I’d also like to add that most good actors have a propensity for stating the obvious.

KIM KARDASHIAN has been getting death threats ever since JUSTIN BIEBER jokingly tweeted that she was his girlfriend. And she’ll get even more from me if the bitch doesn’t back off my little Bieber!

Since I’m going to make you look at images of Chastity Bono a bit later, here’s a gratuitous pic of Kim Kardashian.

So far no word on what GEORGE CLOONEY thinks of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which means the citizens of America must wait a bit longer to form an opinion.  

KATY PERRY was named #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list this year. This is what happens when they serve beer at the “Hot 100” editors' meeting, start by choosing girl #100, and then work their way up the list. By the time the editors get to #1, they are all drunk enough to think Katy Perry actually does look hot.

Maybe after another shot of Jager I’ll get it....

LAWRENCE TAYLOR became the latest cast member of the all new reality show Celebrity Rape Club after he was allegedly caught with a 16-year-old runaway prostitute. He claims he didn’t know she was 16. Yeah, and I didn’t know that woman I slept with, Frank, wasn’t really a woman.

BOBBY BROWN is now engaged to music manager ALICIA ETHRIDGE. He proposed on stage at Funk Fest in Jacksonville, Florida. Now I wish I hadn’t traded my Funk Fest tickets for a pack of Winston Lights and a coupon for a free Beef and Cheddar at Arby’s.

CHASTITY BONO is now legally a man, changing his name to CHAZ after completing gender reassignment duties. Let me give you some advice, Chaz: if you’re that fat, the only way you’re going to get laid is to just stay a lesbian.   

From lesbian to the Pillsbury Doughboy.

MISCHA BARTON is still alive, apparently.

KENDRA WILKINSON is trying to stop a sex tape from coming out. She says she’s devastated about Vivid releasing the tape. According to Radar, however, she was actually shopping the tape around a few years ago. Now that she’s with baby and married to HANK BASKETT, she doesn’t want the sex tape released after all. Just like that hooker who refuses to kiss, it’s good that Kendra still has her dignity.

How does such a proper young woman end up the victim of pornographers?

All that crazy behavior by JOAQUIN PHEONIX these past few years was for a mockumentary by CASEY AFFLECK that is being shopped around at Cannes. No word yet on when the MEL GIBSON mockumentary is coming out.

That’s all for this week folks. If you have any hot celebrity gossip, feel free to e-mail me via www.whitesocksblackshoes.com and become a fan on Facebook.