Worst Idea Ever: The Vajazzler

Genital decorations? Why haven't we thought of this bef... oh. Right. Because it's stupid.

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud

Worst Idea Ever: The Vajazzler

 

Call it the latest advancement in awkward accessorizing technology, or a further sign that the venereal wave of vapidity that just about every female who’s ever been on the E! network rode in on is spreading like wildfire and mutating in utterly ridiculous ways. The idiot herds are fascinated by sparkly things, so why not bling up the holiest of holies? 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Vajazzler:

 

 

 

The price for this wondrous adornment? $50.

 

The good sport in the picture is Bryce Gruber, a columnist over at TheLuxurySpot who was enlisted to check out this strange new phenomenon firsthand and document the results

 

Here’s part of Bryce’s description of the process: Everything was crisp, clean, white, and sterile.  I got a 2 or 3 minute break after my wax to “relax and get ready” for the actual Vajazzling.  I laid back on the table (obviously pantless), and Jill prepped my area with a mild cleansing solution to rid the region of any remaining wax.  Then came little sheets of real Swarovski crystals that she heated in the palms of her hands for a few seconds before applying to my freshly waxed skin.  The bottom of each sheet of crystals has a strong adhesive material that’s completely invisible to the naked eye. Larger areas of crystals are applied directly from a sheet, while more design-specific crystals are painstakingly applied by a tweezer on an individual basis.

 

I don’t know about you, but no look on Earth is worth using the words "strong adhesive," "painstaking" and "tweezer" around my danger zone. And where’s the need for "vaginal adornment" to begin with? It clearly can’t be to attract men, because most guys still fall all over themselves at the most remote possibility of getting laid.

 

Is it a matter of self-loathing? Are girls that insecure about the way they look down there that they have to add jewelry, makeup and all kinds of alternate accessories to an area that’s pretty busy already? How about if we guys started getting lightning bolts tattooed on our schlongs and spiked & twisted our pubes to resemble porcupine quills? Would that be sexy to girls, or would they laugh like hell and tell all their friends what a complete and total douche their boyfriend is?

 

Exactly.

 

If there’s one person to be blamed for this weird-ass vagenomenon, it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. The has-been actress appeared on the George Lopez Show and explained that after a painful breakup, she eschewed her standard coping tactics of drowning herself in ice cream & sappy chick flicks and instead enlisted a friend with a knack for sticking rhinestones where the sun don’t shine. 

 

Hewitt described the practice with all the grace of a girl raised by Barbie dolls, stating that "a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady and it shined like a disco ball."

 

Yep, she said ‘precious lady’ in reference to her vagina. A thousand word rant on the personification of body parts is just dying to launch, but we’ve got other beasts to slay first. 

 

In an interview with spa owner Cindy Barshop, Fashiontribes.com revealed that vajazzling has actually been available in select NYC spas since 2000.  She notes that it takes a certain kind of woman to appreciate the multitude of benefits that come with vajazzling.  "Hip, trendy and confident women like Jennifer get this done," she claims.   

 

It’s true, you know; nothing screams "hip & confident" more to a guy than pulling down a chick’s pants to reveal a Barbie Sparkle disco muff. But if you’re the type of vapid princess who can’t let go of the idea that you’re a precious little pumpkin every man should worship, you know that already, don’t you?

 

If you’re a chemo patient, sure, why not spice things up? If you’re not growing hair anywhere, it could be an interesting little sparkle journey to lift the mood. But be prepared to answer some odd questions about rhinestones falling out of your bathing suit or your gym shorts while you’re running the treadmill. Small price to pay for some, as long as those same "some" are oblivious to the joke they’ve made of themselves. 

 

"Its like buying a new pair of lingerie or getting a mani/pedi," Mrs. Barshop says. "It’s a feel-good service…and men LOVE it on women. They love it even more when it’s a surprise."  

 

Oh, I bet. Especially when it’s paired up with razor-burn bumps and two-day pube growth. From a distance of anything more than two feet, it looks like you’ve got crotch bugs. Sure, they may twinkle in the right light, but that won’t shake the image of a crotch-crab infestation. And that’s a hard image to get out of your head – especially when you’re about to get naked & put yourself at all kinds of infectious risk. 

 

Whoever came up with the term "Vajazzling" was very likely all Clittered out and tired of smearing lipstick all over her ladyparts (a la My New Pink Button). She’s gotten the implants, the collagen injections, the tummy tuck, the chin lift, and has undoubtedly grown tired of tanning playboy bunnies on her body; been there, done that. She’s ready to move on to more serious decoration.

 

Wait, what? You’ve never heard of Clitter

 

So is the Vajazzler the worst idea on the planet? Not really – it’s a damn sight better than driving a spike through one’s genitalia. If you don’t know what a Prince Albert is, don’t search. Savor your blissful naivete – there are some things you simply can’t unsee. 

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