By Dave Schilling
|The internet has given us so many wonderful things. Where would we be without AIM, Gmail, iTunes, FatChicksBigSticks.com? Honestly, we’ve come a long way since the phonograph and the sun dial. I hate to be the type to throw around words like “greatest achievement since God invented the donut hole,” but I feel as though it is warranted in the case of Adobe Photoshop.|
In the Dark Ages before Photoshop, how else were you expected to put Sarah Palin’s head on Hitler’s body? By hand???? That’s ridiculous! Now you can put Sarah Palin’s head on Hitler’s body, an iguana’s body, Carla Bruni’s body, Marcel Proust’s horse’s body, in a blender or on the Moon. You can do whatever the hell you want with Sarah Palin’s head, or anyone’s head for that matter. There’s nothing more American than having the freedom to manipulate someone else’s photo for your own amusement.
20 years ago, today, Adobe premiered the first edition of Photoshop.
The “National Association for Photoshop Professionals” (or D.O.R.K., for short) has a web page celebrating this magical day. You’d think a bunch of “professional” Photoshop artists would be able to come up with something more engaging than 4 old, bald guys popping Cialis and talking about how cool they were 20 years ago.
Alas, it was not to be. To fill the void, the crackerjack staff of CraveOnline has ruminated for weeks in a small, poorly ventilated one-room shack in Alaska (or as the locals call it, "The Governor’s Mansion") to create a far more appropriate celebration of this milestone event. After engaging in gladiatorial combat, in which I threw many stiff punches and delivered a wealth of titty twisters, we have come to agree on a definitive list of the 10 most amazingly awesome Photoshops of the last 20 years.
Of course, you might disagree with this list, in which case, I direct you to send your grievances to firstname.lastname@example.org
10) The Kegway
Beer on wheels, every man’s dream. Plus, Kegway rhymes with Segway. Someone put a little thought into this one.
I think we can all agree that the Bearsharktapus is the most badass mythical creature of them all. It’s deadly on land and on sea. It’s deadly in a boat. It’s deadly on a moat. It’s deadly in a tree. It’s deadly at Applebee’s.
The point is, the Bearshsharktapus is real and it’s out there, preying on innocent Australian babies. Since we’ve never been able to capture actual pictures of the beast, a kindly internet dude Shooped this together so that Aussies all over the world can keep a lookout for Bearsharktapus. If you are Australian and under the age of 5, you would make an excellent meal for Bearsharktapus.
8) The Ball-Eating Cat
Whereas the Bearsharktapus is a noted predator, the Ball-Eating Cat is deceptive. It looks precious, but so did that fat, black chick from the movie, Precious (hence the title) and we know how THAT turned out, don’t we?
This cat will eat yout f**king balls. Look at the eyes. They’re hungry.
7) The Hollywood Development System – Explained
SEE, THOSE COMIC BOOKS GO INTO A GRINDER, AND THEN CRAP COMES OUT! THE COMEDY COMES FROM THE HONESTY.
6) How to Put Out a Fire
I tried this at home last week. I set my bedroom on fire. Then I threw a couple singles at the fire. By the time the real firemen came, my home was in tatters and I was out 2 dollars.
Be aware: Photoshops are not accurate representations of reality. Don’t be like me. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way.
5) Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby Explode on the Pop Music Scene
We all knew about Oswald and Ruby’s shared talent for marksmenship, but what we didn’t know until this picture was unearthed is that they shared a love for contemporary soul and Motown. Their cover of "Twist and Shout" would go on to top the Billboard charts for 3 non-consecutive Sundays in 1965. One wonders what their lost albums, Shots from the Grassy Knoll and I Act Alone, would have offered us. Sonic brilliance, I’m sure. We would have been dancing "back and to the left" for hours!
4) Hockey Jesus
When you’re the Son of God, life seems…tame, boring, bland. What do you do with your free time when you can literally stop time if you wanted to?
How about some f**king hockey!?
Soon after this picture was taken, Jesus checked that dude into the boards. I guarantee you that no one in the NHL has more penalty minutes than ol’ J.C. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John didn’t call him "The Enforcer" for nothing.
This is a relatively recent Shoop, but it’s got Alf in it. Throw Alf on the cover of L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad and I might read it.
2) French Toast
If we were doing a list of the 10 most delicious Photoshops of the last 20 years, this would be #1. Unfortunately for our friend, Mr. French Toast, this is not a list of 10 delicious Photoshops. Better luck next time, Monsieur Toast.
And now…the moment you have all been waiting for…
THE GREATEST PHOTOSHOP OF THE LAST 20 YEARS!
1) John Kerry Hangs with Jane Fonda, Plotting the Destruction of America
This takes the #1 slot for a simple reason: without this clever manipulation, we could have been stuck with John Kerry as our president. The horror of that possibility is too much to bear. I had a hard time even typing the words “John Kerry” and “president” in the same sentence. Imagine — if you can stomach it — a world where the United States bends over backwards to be understanding and reasoned with its allies, where the United Nations isn’t treated like an overweight, mouth-breathing step-cousin. Try to fathom a universe in which the economy of this country isn’t in the shitter. IT MAKES ME SICK!
Thank God that someone out there was willing to fabricate a total lie in order for us to see the truth about John Kerry being a communist sympathizer and Hollywood homosexual. So what if this was two separate pictures crammed together to make it seem like Kerry was at this rally when he actually wasn’t? If we can’t count on Photoshop to destroy a man’s chances to be the leader of the free world, then what the hell is it for anyway?
Let’s give it up to the greatest humor publication of them all. Without National Lampoon‘s classic analog covers, there would be no hilarious digital Photoshops. There would be no Bearsharktapus. No Hockey Jesus. Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby never would have formed a rock band. Hell, there wouldn’t be a Humor section on CraveOnline either. Thanks, NatLamp. Thanks for Bearsharktapus.
Thanks for killing that dog.
Thanks for helping us laugh at Vietnam.
Most of all, thanks for shoving ice cream on Gerald Ford’s head.