The Classic Malts Selection

How to choose the right single malt Scotch whisky for you!

Jeremy Azevedo by Jeremy Azevedo

The Classic Malts Selection

By Jeremy Azevedo
Last week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a single malt Scotch whisky tasting with Edward “Dirt” Adams, Master of Whisky for the luxury Classic Malts Selection brand.

Classic Malts were showing off their latest releases for the holidays, and I was more than happy to help them out by soaking up a few samples. After I had given up on trying to guess whether Dirt was a Scottish dude with an American accent or an American dude with a Scottish accent, I began to wonder what kind of people would enjoy these fine single malts that I tasted?

To make things easier, I’ve included a picture of the celebrity that each single malt made me think of, in case any of you are illiterate, or too drunk to read the accompanying text. That way, no one feels left out!

Dalwhinnie Distillers Edition

Who is it for?

Dalwhinnie is somewhat sweet, somewhat creamy, and somewhat smoky. In no way does it really tip the scale one way or the other. Dalwhinnie is a smooth, easygoing malt for a consumer that expects excellence, but doesn’t necessarily want to take any risks. It also bears mentioning that when combined with smoky almonds, Dalwhinnie tastes just like bacon. So if you don’t like bacon, then you should probably not eat smoky almonds while drinking this. You should also get a cat scan, because clearly, something is wrong with your brain. Bacon is delicious!

Oban 14

Who is it for?

Oban is one of the oldest Scotch whisky distilleries in the world. It also exists in a particularly unique location, nestled between the coast and the highlands, that is nearly impossible to reproduce. Oban 14 has a slight orange flavor that tastes a bit like Grand Marnier, except not all syrupy and lame. Oban 14 is great for fancy dandies that don’t mind a little fruitiness in their Scotch. Which sounds like an oxymoron, I know. However, those of you who are willing to break the mold of the bearded, salty old dogs drinking Scotch straight with no water, on a bearskin rug that you tell everyone that you killed with your bare hands (but actually bought on eBay), then you will discover that Oban 14 is one of the most unique and wonderful single malts on the market today.

Royal Lochnager

Who is it for?

Royal Lochnager is the only Scotch whisky that is blessed by the Royal Family and thusly entitled to use the prefix “Royal” without fear of reprisal from the Queen’s secret assassins. It’s like being knighted, but for a beverage. Additionally, it also enables them to sell it for a metric shit-ton of money. Holy crap, this Scotch is expensive! It’s totally worth it if you have the money though. Even if you did a blind taste test and didn’t have the slightest idea that this particular malt was “Royal”, you’d immediately be able to tell that there was something special about it. Also, it has a totally sweet name that sound like a science fiction novel. So if you’re, like, a rich sci-fi novelist or whatever, then you can stop reading now because you’re pretty much obligated to start drinking this from now on.

Talisker Distillers Edition

Who is it for?

“Talisker”. It’s a tough sounding name isn’t it? It sounds like a special forces operative or something. It’s actually quite appropriate, as this is a real man’s whisky. Talisker has a flavor that differs from most Scotch whisky in that the usual peat flavoring is replaced by a smoky, campfire taste. The only single malt to be distilled on the Isle of Sky (which is usually reserved for blends), Talisker has received numerous awards for excellence. Talisker smells great, too, like burning wood. You’re going to want to use it as cologne, but you should probably resist the urge. For one thing, it would just make you that much more likely to get a DUI should you find yourself pulled over. For another, it might lead you to get confused about the difference between Scotch and cologne, and then next thing you know, you’re drunk on John Varvatos Vintage. That’s nasty.

Lagavulin 12

Who is it for?

Dude. This malt is intense! Lagavulin 12 was bottled at full cask strength, and has not been diluted. It’s rather pungent. It’s like drinking leather. Put some water in it and you will discover an incredible flavor that makes a great alternative to a desert wine. Or, be a tough guy and drink it straight. You’ll probably piss fire, but everyone will think you’re badass. Or crazy. Or both?

For more info on The Classic Malts Selection, please visit their official website!

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