Moustaches and Monocles Vol. 1

How bad can a bad guy be without actual arms?

Joey Davidsonby Joey Davidson

Moustaches and Monocles Vol. 1

We're starting a weekly feature here at Crave Online's Gaming section; Moustaches and Monocles looks to explore the world of villains, bad guys and henchman in video games. These are the folks that left a lasting impression by their pre-death antics. Some will be tough, some easy, some silly, some frightening and all mostly bad.

And as we were sitting around trying to think of a ne'er-do-well to kick this thing off with, it hit us straight in the face... the Goomba!

The Goomba is the veritable everyman in the world of baddies for Super Mario Bros. He's continued on down the road of defeat with such a silly weakness that it's almost stupefying to think that he'd be left alone in the wild. The poor guy had an extremely soft head and no arms. What kind of disgusting mastermind would leave him to defend a small area in the wilderness?

The Goomba also proves, time and again, to be of little challenge for our heroes in suspenders. Pop him in the dome piece with a solid boot and he's done for. Sure, Mario Galaxy really pushed the threshold of despair when hitting the unlucky brown bastards with a spin move flipped them over to expose their goods, but beyond that it's been one bounce into death.

Then Bowser tried to get even with some sort of giant Goomba. It's like he slid the world's largest cookie out on the table: bigger, longer to defeat, but no less delicious.

What really makes the Goomba terrifying and trying in the eyes of every gamer on this green planet... well, it's two things, really: His suit and maybe his harmonica. Some things are better left with a simple picture.