By D.A. Fox
|I like cliches. Especially cheesy or vague cliches. One Sunday back in March I tried to speak in all cliches, which is something that my friend Pete Pelmo does almost every day of the year, and he largely inspired this list.|
The thing is, cliches are going away because the oral tradition in our country is lost to the digitally transmitted (typed) word. Text, IM, email, and spanking off on webcams have taken a big bite out of the spoken word, but words still count with me.
This cliche means everything and nothing at all. Here’s how you use it:
“Hey Richard, wanna grab a few beers?”
Palms facing each other in a V formation, knees pointed outwards you reply “Those are odds I can live with”
Feel free to laugh to yourself after saying this because, shit, you’re a funny oddsmaker.
[12:40] Jeremy Azevedo: I DONT THINK THATS A PROPER USAGE OF THE PHRASE “THOSE ARE ODDS I CAN LIVE WITH”
[12:40] Jeremy Azevedo: wtf
[12:40] Jeremy Azevedo: caps lock
[12:41] AndyFox1979: ok
[12:41] Jeremy Azevedo: its more like “hey richard, if you drink even one more beer, you’re going to go blind. like legally blind. for real.”
[12:41] Jeremy Azevedo: richard: “those are odds i can live with!”
[12:42] Jeremy Azevedo: (drinks beer anyway)
[12:42] AndyFox1979: right
“Up One Side And Down The Other”
Like most cliches, this one can be used as sexual innuendo as well as general application. Up one side and down the other refers to something being wholly or uniformly something, or your feelings on a subject being very resolute.
“Are you enjoying your meal sir?”
“Up one side and down the other, thank you very much”
Feel free to do a diving roller coaster motion with your hand to drive the point home.
Advanced Only: Cap it off with a casual wink.
“I Wouldn’t Kick Her Out Of Bed”
This one is especially bad and stupid. Sometimes people will add something to the end of this one, oftentimes infractions they would overlook and allow “her” to stay in the bed, presumably because she’s attractive.
The only way to use this one effectively is when referencing something non-female and preferably inanimate.
“Greg what do you think of having Lasagna for dinner tonight?”
“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed”
Make humping gestures after you say this. If you’re on you’re cell phone make “aree aree aree” sounds or however a squeaking bed sounds to you.
Protip: Attempt to use this cliche in business meetings and if anyone objects accuse them of being a homosexual who kicks all women out of beds.
“To Be Honest With You”
“To be honest with you” is a great way to start off a bullshit story or distract someone while you’re stealing something from their house.
“Hey Pal can you spare a cigarette?”
“Well to be honest with you” (keeping your best straight face) while removing full package from pocket and opening to show them the contents “I’m down to my last one, sorry Chief”.
People love being called “Chief” or “Boss”, especially if you have an accent from a foreign country. It makes them feel “in charge”.
“If I Told You That, I’d Have To Kill You”
Whether your boss is asking about the status of a project or someone asks you the time, you really can’t overuse this old gem.
Advanced: Following the exchange of this cliche, and the “top secret answer”, remind the person you said it to every other day or so that you’re going to kill them. They’ll think it’s funnier and funnier as time goes on.
Expert Only: Send the target links via a series of emails of ways that people are often killed (poison in coffee, etc). Sprinkle these emails with LOL and JK.
“I Really Shouldn’t”
People used to use this one when offered a slice of pie or something, but now you will dust it off and use it when someone offers you something very normal, like a Kleenex box when you’re sneezing or a menu when you sit down at a restaurant. Say it with the same level of deviousness and naughty that you would if you’re a rotund housewife being offered a slice of apple sprinkle cake.
“Whatever Happens, Happens”
Previously used as a hollow bit of advice from a stupid friend, you will now use this cliche threateningly.
“Want to go out on a date sometime Rebecca”
“You know, I just started seeing somebody….”
(Angrily)” Well whatever happens, happens”
Also try this when the HR manager tells you that you didn’t get the position you had applied for or when your neighbor asks you to keep your mangy dog off his yard. Feel free to pick up a piece of fruit if there’s one laying around and take a fierce bite out of it close to their face for added effect.
“That’s What She Said”
Almost too lame and cliched for this list, we’re gonna remodel this one. From now on you will use this cliche at complete random, and not in a Three’s Company type innuendo response to something that a girl might say during sex. The following examples will assist you:
“This storm coming in is a big one”
“That’s what she said… swish!”
With your hand extended, thumb pointing upwards, wiggle your fingers near the proximity of your friends hand. His hand should mirror this gesture, fingers dovetailing and brushing together. Make high pitched sound while doing this.
“So Mr Coochbaum we have you on the calendar for a 3:30 pm appointment”
“That’s what she said”
After delivering that missile, hang up really fast and reflect on your life.
“She don’t know me”, you’ll say as you turn your Pac-10 college hat backwards.
D.A. Fox appears courtesy of our friends at MisanthropyToday.