Besting Jack Sparrow

Pirate stole your girlfriend? Here is how to get her back.

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Besting Jack Sparrow

Besting Jack Sparrow

I’ve long been a fan of the Pirates of The Caribbean movies. I really only have one complaint. I lost my girlfriend to Jack Sparrow. Captain, Jack Sparrow, as she likes to remind me. It’s certainly distressing that she loves a fictional character more than me, but I can take some solace in that there are others like me. That wily captain has stolen the hearts of thousands of girls along the way but I’ve finally found a way to overcome him. I’ve discovered how to best Jack Sparrow.

For those of you in my shoes, consider this a “how-to.” For those of you who haven’t lost a girl to Sparrow, it’s better to take a proactive stance to keep it that way. The final part of the trilogy, At World’s End, is destined to be the hit of the summer and soon your girl will see Captain Jack wherever she goes. For those of you without a girlfriend at all, follow the advice in this piece to ensure that, in the event that someday you do find a girl, you don’t lose her after she gets her hands on the DVDs.

The formula for besting Sparrow is fairly simple. I assume that everyone has certain intangibles that make them appealing to the fairer sex. You could be funny, charitable, rich, whatever. All you have to do is find out what Jack Sparrow does that makes him so appealing to women and mimic it. Then you have your intangibles his traits = a healthy relationship.

Fortunately, I’ve done the heavy lifting for you. I studied at the first two POTC movies to find out what sets Jack apart and makes our women swoon. Follow in Cap’n Jack’s footsteps and you will be putting the X on her treasure map and pirating all the booty you could ever handle (if that’s not enough pirate clichés, feel free to add your own. Perhaps something witty about walking her plank). Here’s what I suspect women love the most about him.

1.      He’s a raging alcoholic- Popular culture has always portrayed the drunkard as the bottom rung of society whose only romantic move is a left cross to his lady’s eye socket. It turns out to be a completely false depiction. The heartthrob Sparrow seems to be drunk for the majority of both films. Rum is the only liquid I’ve ever seen him consume and when he’s not completely tanked, he’s whining because the rum is gone (and he can’t get tanked).  I’m not sure why rampant alcoholism is so appealing to ladies, but you can’t get caught up thinking about it. Time wasted thinking is time Sparrow will use when to swoop in and steal your woman.

 Drink as much as you possibly can. I think the important thing to take away here is that women see sobriety as a turn-off, so begin boozing. You should carry a bottle of liquor on you at all times. Drink at work. Drink at home. Drink in the car. Drink at Church. One positive aspect about this is that drinking now makes you sexier, whereas in the past it only made her sexier.

2.       He psychologically damages women as a hobby- Not much is known about Jack Sparrow’s past relationships, but apparently, none of them went well. Anytime he meets a female character, she responds by slapping him and screaming at him. It’s clear that he has done something dreadful to these women if their inclination is to attack at first sight. He’s messed them up something fierce. Sure, it would be nice to know how he does it (Verbally abusive? Domestic violence? Non-consensual sex?) so we could follow the blueprint, but we’ll have to make this one up as we go.  You may feel morally opposed to scarring women for life, but remember, you’re doing this for your girl, so get creative. Every female you can get to slap you in public equals more points in the bedroom, so start treating women like complete garbage.

Perhaps this would be easier to remember if you wore a reminder on your wrist. I suggest a wristband with the inscription “WWJD” (what would Jack do?). That way, the next time you’re holding the door for a girl, you’ll remember to close it in her freaking face. That should be worth a slap or two down the line.

3.      He has terrible hygiene- Most characters react negatively to Jack Sparrow’s breath and overall hygiene. Several even take the time to classify poor hygiene as one of his classic traits and you never see Jack Sparrow bathe. If you really want to win your lady’s heart, stop brushing your teeth. Stop taking regular showers and don’t even think about using deodorant. I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I would imagine you go through a phase where you smell awful before your natural body odor begins working as an aphrodisiac.

 4.      He sold his soul to the devil. Apparently, Sparrow sold his soul in exchange for a ship. It’s not hard to see why this impresses the ladies because selling your soul must take some serious balls. This will be the hardest of all the tasks, mainly due to the difficulty in getting a 1-on-1 with the devil these days. You may have to compromise here and that’s OK, just make sure to sell your soul to someone. If it turns out it was to a homeless man instead of the devil, I’m sure she’ll at least appreciate the effort. Some might even argue that the homeless man is the devil.

It really is that simple. Drink compulsively, treat women like crap, stop bathing and sell your soul to the devil. Do that and you too can know that you’ve bested Captain Jack Sparrow and won your girl’s heart. Savvy?

 Mark Fox can be reached at