Thoughts on Miley Cyrus

Lane Cummings critiques celebrities, and also Miley Cyrus...

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I just watched my first Miley Cyrus interview five minutes ago. Honestly I have mixed feelings about the young lady. Firstly, I think I could stare at her circular face for hours, trying to decide if I found it pretty, but round, or pretty and round. It reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry describes Elaine as having “a face like a frying pan.” Little did he know.

Her speech is remarkably adult for her age, typical of youths who’ve been in show business for a while—they often mimic the speech patterns of adults. She talks extremely fast, not in an East-Coast-educated manner, but more like someone who’s spent serious time in LA. Her speech is like a Barbie doll flying into traffic on a bright pink scooter, and the word “like” is what propels the wheels. There are those moments when she’ll give a hefty laugh and you wonder where Joan Rivers is hiding.

 I don’t think much of her bong hit of Salvia, her pole dancing, and her grind session with whoever it was that TMZ got grossly close footage of.  On the one hand, we can view this as a “Yikes. I wonder how much oral has been given and received when the cameras aren’t on?” On the other hand, we can view this as bold and savvy move to discard the pristine blond locks of Hannah Montana from haunting her for the rest of her life. A part of me doesn’t blame the little tyke. I don’t think I’d want to push that ice cream truck for the rest of my life. Why not suck down some Salvia and gyrate on a pole on television to show people you’re hanging up your pom-poms? It definitely gets the message across.

I truly did not understand the obtuseness of certain ABC news anchors who deemed that such things didn’t “look good” because “she’s a role model”.  They seemed to be precisely missing the point—she squeezing the old coconut juice precisely because having eight year old girls with pink vinyl knapsacks and squinkies on them is getting old and has been for a long time.

One issue that I did find interesting was her Letterman interview. He opened the interview with a rapidfire question on whether she considered herself to still be a kid and how. What was most illuminating about that question was how Miley didn’t really know how to answer it, and perhaps that’s why Letterman began with it. She wasn’t going to say anything about what a drag it was when her parents ground her because clearly they don’t. Billy Ray Cyrus has made it rather obvious that he’s raised her as a friend rather than father and it’s hard to ground a daughter when they’re worth millions. So the answer she finally offered up was “Well, my mom still yells at me” as evidence of her still being a kid. Honestly, it’s a decent answer. I’m an adult and my mom still yells at me, but then again my mom has been in therapy for most of her adult life and has issues that most well-adjusted people don’t, such as an utter disregard for boundaries. I gather that the parents of most adult people usually don’t still yell at their children when they’ve started paying taxes. Letterman wittily concluded the interview by asking Miley if she thought she might be looking for a warmth the spotlight can’t provide? NO, she quickly answered. And it was a mildly amusing moment, though lest we forget that Miley is following in the footsteps of hundreds of child performers who’ve gone before her.

Hollywood is a fickle creature, particularly with young performers. Hollywood seems to make a recreational activity out of lavishing copious amounts of attention and praise on its young performers, kind of like a buffet that never runs out of rice, only to take it away like a sibling who finds you wearing one of her skirts, and decides to rip it off you no matter where you are. For example, Drew Barrymore still had to do the Amy Fisher story before she could go onto the greener pastures of the Wedding Singer and Scream. My point: while I’m looking forward to a leaked sex tape featuring Miss Miley sometime soon, I can guarantee that The Last Song was the height of her movie career, at least for a while.

Photo Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com