I have a problem With EATING
I have taken the liberty of inserting some of the comments I assume I’ll get from the readers of this article.
For the gays: Oh girl we all know you got a problem. The first step to recovery is you and your second chin admitting it
For the ex cheerleaders: don’t worry food isn’t a problem, just use these two fingers and…
And for the big girls: DON’T WORRY WE’RE HERE FOR YOU, ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THOSE FRIES?
My problems with EATING are a vast and wondrous array of physical and emotional demons that claw at my soul and cackle with glee while juggling my love handles, which are filled with anything but love…..oh and if you grab them during “lovemaking”, you better be in love with hospital food, because I’m a put you there for a good long time. Bed pans and sponge baths the whole nine, so “play” at your own risk mothafu….But I digress, in this particular article let’s discuss the biggest ones.
- Eating in front of people – Now I know if you eat alone it’s supposed to be all sad and a sign of an eating disorder as if I’m locked in a room trying to shoot the cream filling of a twinkie into my arm with a dirty needle covered in BBQ sauce while huffing easy cheese and having sex with a freshly made Betty Crocker yellow cake slathered in chocolate frosting and salty salty tears, but I find it more sad that with the giant teeth that I have, no matter what I eat it will lodge itself in the front as if it were artwork from my children that I placed on the refrigerator door. The worst of it is, nobody says anything and then hours later you realized you were rocking a spinach leaf on your front tooth like it was a gold tooth and you a 90s rapper. TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!. And because I go into every situation convinced that a proverbial piano is going to fall on me from the sky, because it has slipped from the sweaty hands of two absent minded piano movers who, despite the fact that I have never seen it in real life, must hoist the piano fully assembled up to the 4th floor and then drop it (It seems like part of the job at this point. Seriously has there ever been a scene with piano movers where they don’t drop the piano. I’m just sayin) Anyhow the anxiety is almost enough to preclude my eating, thankfully food is what I think love taste like, so I will HAVE it no matter the cost. The cost usually being my self-esteem, so not much to lose.
- Eating with WHOLE FOOD NAZIs– I don’t know where you are when you are reading this but just know in LA everyone is obsessed with the WHOLE FOODs. “oh Organic Lemons, a must have” Organic just means a lot and I mean a lot of bugs took a shit on your lemon oh and it costs $3.08 for two. You know what fine, have your really expensive shit lemons but don’t force me to buy them and criticize me that I’m not eating “clean”. Oh really? Not eating clean enough? Last time I checked my lemon is shit free. Like I said I don’t mind if you wanna buy really overpriced fruit, however contrary to what you might think if you are gonna get screwed by your produce a banana is not as easy as one might think
- Eating out– well depending on what comes to mind when you hear that term, know that I think it is a treacherous dungeon with pitfalls traps and slime pits abound, personally I avoid it at all costs.
So in reading this back to myself I realized, I don’t have a problem with eating, I have a problem with people, which is why I am now going to bake a Betty Crocker’s yellow cake slathered in chocolate frosting and enjoy some “me” time.