Every Tuesday you shall join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the world’s most strikingly beautiful stars come to drown their sorrows with simpletons such as us. This week, we find ourselves in the presence of pert ‘n’ perky sitcom star Kaley Cuoco.
You: Dude, is that who I think it is?
Me (looking ruggedly handsome and ripped): It sure is. That’s Kaley Cuoco, star of CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory and instigator of nerdgasms the world over.
She’s looking pretty pleased with herself.
As she should be. She recently starred in the Russell Brand animated vehicle Hop which, despite being a steaming pile of faecal matter of a film, has been a surprise box-office smash hit, becoming the fifth highest-grossing April release ever.
Wow. How come it did so well if it was so awful?
It’s Easter. Kids aren’t at school and parents would much rather leave them in the dark confines of the cinema than, y’know, actually take them outside or anything.
Oh. Well, she’s looking pretty goddam hot, anyway. Any idea where I can find some images of her where she’s baring a little more flesh than what I can see right now?
I’m not going to lie, that was a pretty perverted question and your enthusiasm is making me feel slightly uncomfortable. The fact that you’re salivating isn’t helping either. But because you bought me this Appletini I’ll answer your question; Kaley recently did a naked black and white photo shoot with Allure Magazine.
Black and white? Dude, who jerks off to black and white photos? Gay.
I’m starting to question why I agreed to join you in this bar in the first place.
How would a guy like me go about dating a girl like her?
Her track record with boyfriends points towards an altogether less shallow Kaley than her onscreen persona might lead you to believe. She dated her pint-sized nerdy Big Bang co-star Johnny Galecki for two years, and is currently in a relationship with a member of struggling Indie- Rock band Annie Automatic.
So I need to star alongside her in a sitcom, get a couple of tattoos and play ear-molesting music… this might prove to be difficult.
Alternatively, you could just pretend to share her love of horses. Kaley is a horseback riding enthusiast, and was quick to get back on the saddle even after a 2010 accident almost led to her having her foot amputated. Thankfully, she instead underwent two major surgeries and had metal bars fitted to her leg.
Sounds risky. Doesn’t she have a simpler hobby that I could use to convince her to have sex with me?
You could pretend to love table tennis. She’s been playing since she was 3 years old, and was once a nationally-ranked amateur.
I’m not so good at tennis. Years of prolific masturbation have caused me to develop premature arthritis in my right hand. What kind of music does she like? Maybe I could serenade her.
Well, Kaley is a big fan of Taylor Swift.
F*** that – TAXI!
Photo Courtesy of: WENN.com/FayesVision