Every Tuesday you shall join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the world’s most strikingly beautiful stars come to drown their sorrows with simpletons such as us. This week we find ourselves admiring Welsh coffin-rocker Catherine Zeta Jones.
You: Check out the brunette…
Me (looking strikingly handsome and well-endowed): That’s Chicago actress Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Zeta? Like the warrior princess?
Why’s she at the bar with her Grandpa?
That’s not her Grandpa, that’s two-time Academy Award winner Michael Douglas.
Oh. Still, she could’ve gone drinking with someone younger. It looks weird.
Would it make it more acceptable if I were to tell you that he is her husband?
She and Douglas have been married since 2000.
Truly there is hope for us all.
If by ‘all’ you mean incredibly successful and wealthy Hollywood icons, then yes there is.
I haven’t seen her name in lights recently, what has she been doing with her time other than not starring in movies?
She’s recently been doing a few rounds of the press due to her recently being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Bipolar? Is that like Bi-winning?
Don’t go there.
So what is it?
Being bipolar means that Zeta-Jones suffers from radical, irrational mood swings, she’ll also suffer with low self-esteem and will easily veer into a depressive state for an extended period of time.
Typical woman, then, AMIRITE?
How do you not bump into things more often?
She’s got a funny accent. Where’s she from?
She was born in Swansea, Wales.
Wales… whereabouts in England is that?
Wales is not a part of England. Wales is a part of the United Kingdom, along with England, Northern Island and Scotland.
So where the hell is Great Britain?
Look, neither of us are getting anywhere fast here. Shall I just tell you ways in which you could potentially convince her to have sex with you?
I thought you were never going to ask.
Judging from her track record, Zeta-Jones has never been too concerned with looks. Past boyfriends include Simply Red frontman and walking punch line Mick Hucknall, and middling former British TV host/serial pervert John Leslie.
I have no idea who they are.
Count yourself lucky.
So what should I do to appear attractive to her?
Taking her boyfriends into account, it works to your advantage if you are a ginger, really old and/or a sex pest.
I am at least two of those things.
I wish you a long and incredibly creepy life together.
Photo Courtesy of: Joseph Marzullo/WENN.com