The break up of Tao Ruspoli and Olivia Wilde was so imminent, guys had already started sending Miss Olivia flowers. Multi-millionaire women seldom stay hitched to documentary filmmakers who thrive in obscurity. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson. Please. I had an office pool going the day of their wedding. Those two fools are so vacuous that it’s like getting two Polaroid photos together and trying to get them to have a healthy relationship with longevity. Some Hollywood relationships are just so, so, so obviously going to crash and burn that the phrase “crash and burn” should become an adjective to describe them. Like Reynolds and Johansson are so crash and burn, it’s like, not even a divorce, as no one bought into the marriage anyway.
And these are my jolly and jovial predictions for the next crash and burn relationships.
5. Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn.
Photo Courtesy of: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN.com
PS: This is the only part of this couple we care about.
I know, I know. I deserve no credit for this as it’s so painfully obvious you’d have to be blind, raised in a walk-in closet and a native speaker of Xhosa to not call this one. Call me “unevolved” but let’s get real. He’s 24 years older than her. This means, that during his dirty dog days of his early twenties, when he was busy shagging any piece of tail that twitched in front of him, in New York, a baby was born. And if some sort of magical blue fairy appeared, and dragged Penn over to NY, to her bassinet, and he looked at the bloated nose and mouth of that baby, and the fairy said, “If all goes as planned, you’ll be shagging her in 20-odd years”— I’m guessing that unless he hails from the Pedophiles-R-Us, Mr. Penn would be somewhat… disgusted. But it’s more than that. The bottom line is that young Scarlett is going to wake up and say, “You know, this manic old man is wearing on my nerves. And one of us in this relationship should be tall.”
4. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green.
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Wow. You know that Brian must be phenomenal in the sack if Megan Fox has stuck around this long. Phenomenal. Mind altering. Religion Questioning. This is all mildly amusing for those of us who remember 90210’s geeky David Silver played by Green, who was still very much a virgin and wildly neurotic about losing it. I’m just saying, that Mr. Brian had better keep his game on. On and hot, if he expects Miss Megan to stick around. I can only imagine that a pack of wolves hang around his door, panting and growling for him to surrender the maiden.
3. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
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I know, I know, perhaps you’re not impressed with my powers of deduction. But this one I wanted to put in writing and officially call it. Either Katie and Tom’s scientology contract is going to run out, Katie’s going to get sick of celebrating the official holiday of the alien god Xandu, or she might just think back to the happier times when she dated a guy over five foot three. Regardless which of these straws breaks her camel’s back, her days with the Manson clan are drawing to a close.
2. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.
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Okay, I know you think I’m going to play the age card. And you’re right. The name of the game is that Demi Moor has a finite number of surgeries that she can have before she starts looking like a scarecrow or a dolphin (take your pick) in heels. Meanwhile, every walking pile of hair extensions is going to continue to drop their keys in front of Ashton, for the next solid 20 years. Yes, I give him a solid 20 years of pure hotness. From 20 years onwards, he’ll still get the goods coming his way, just with a less aggressive display of plumage. Demi Moore has three more years of hotness. 3. Yes. Let’s get real, people. If she jams any more filler underneath her eyes, we’re not going to see her eyes. She’s going to look like she’s squinting all the time. And Ashton is going to be dodging a whole lot of tail. I think he can keep it in his pants for a couple of years, but not 20. A ha ha ha. No.
1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
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A hardy har har. A ha cha cha! Come on. Does anyone else see how exhausted Brad Pitt looks all the time? How Angelina has beaten him into submission and that motley crew of wild misfit elves have finished him off? One day he is going to see a man and woman in a restaurant sitting across from each other, calmly enjoying their dinner without a little kid throwing a spatula at the man’s head and without a fishwife of a woman pummeling his face into the beef barley soup. And he’s going to leave that statuesque hot blooded woman—happily settling for very partial custody. And when he does this—and he will do this—a thousand dollars from me to you says he’s going to have to do some 90 day retreat in the desert just to get his hearing back. Yep. Confirmed.