Lindsay Lohan: The Hijinks Continue

If you bet Lindsay would turn her life around, just hand me the money now.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I think it goes without saying that I’m delighted. I know that Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer will probably work like hell to reduce her 120 day jail sentence, and that the judge just threw it out as a preliminary punishment, counting on the fact the lawyer would appeal. But I’m banking on the fact that she’s going to do some jail time, and honestly it can’t help but make me smile. Grin, is more like it.

It’s not just that as a part-time actress, I’m naturally resentful of people who have better representation than me, it’s that I find her overwhelming sense of entitlement absolutely repulsive.

How many times do I have to say that Hollywood is a town that deifies the young fresh, fragrant flowers? Think of how many glorious pieces of ass have come and gone in this city. Her drug abuse and party lifestyle gives me the impression that she believe she’s always going to have a job, when that’s virtually impossible in this city and industry.

People in this city who always have jobs are people like Stephen Tobolowsky. For the morons reading this article, Stephen Tobolowsky is the bald, often bespectacled dude, who played Ned Ryerson (“Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy!”) in Groundhog Day, among the 200 other credits to his name. What is my point? It’s usually the funny and funny looking people in this town that work like crazy and keep working like crazy.

Living in Hollywood, in many ways is like living in a very bizarre, yet very real fairy tale kingdom, where the spoiled princesses are damned for eternity for being tools, and the hardworking hobbits inherit the riches.

Lindsay has already done time in jail, and it clearly hasn’t done her any good. She’s like this guy I met who once had to pay a $1,000 fine for throwing a cigarette butt out the window. After he paid that fine, he told me that he “always throws cigarette butts out the window now.” When I asked why, he explained, “Because I paid for the right to do it.”


This image full of irony. News at 11.

And I think that’s how Lindsay feels. She’s done her time, and hell, she thinks she’s going to get what she’s put in. Hence, the necklace swiping incident. What I find most remarkable about that incident is that I truly believe Lohan took the damn necklace with the intent of pulling one over, but that she most certainly believes she did not steal anything. I think as a celebrity, when you drink free in clubs just for showing up, you feel like that entire construct should apply to all areas of life. Wander into a real estate company headquarters and expect them to hand you a condo, and so on.


 Apparently the owner of the store has testified that Lindsay’s friend acted as a decoy to keep the shop owner busy while she swiped the necklace. Let me explain why I believe this so completely. First of all, there’s the sense of entitlement again. I’m sure Lindsay believed that because at that moment in time that particular boutique had not yet GIVEN her all their jewelry as an eternal sacrifice to her gorgeousness and fame and for the GIFT that it would be to them that she wear it, the necklace, along with all their goods— really should’ve been hers. The second reason I believe she took it was for the hardy-har-har  aspect. I know way too many actors that like to throw drinks in people’s faces, urinate in public, and smuggle weed onto airplanes—all because these acts of idiocy make them feel like they’re really living life, just like “in the movies.” I’m so sure that Lindsay and her requisite gay male friend (named Fillipe or something) planned how he was going to chat to the old hag about stone settings, while Lindsay pretended to look at pieces on the other side of the boutique.

And the sad reality is that it’s believable because the hooch hasn’t worked in a while. A thousand dollar necklace might be something she feels entitled to, but can’t exactly afford.

I truly believe the most revelatory aspect was what Lindsay’s attorney said about her, during her, of all things, defense of Lohan. According to CNN, "The fact that she may not have been a courteous or considerate person doesn't make her a thief," Lindsay’s attorney stated.

Please allow me to have my own personal laugh.

I bet you a thousand dollars and one cupcake that Lindsay’s lawyer truly finds the hooch lacking both courtesy and consideration and was all too happy to say those words out loud. Honestly, can’t you picture Lindsay’s people making an appointment for her with her lawyer only to have Lindsay stand up the lawyer countless times, simply because she can’t, not for love or money, get her sh&t together? And then eventually show up, eight hours late with sunglasses on and a general air of “I’m really high” offering details of help to your defense strategy such as “I didn’t take the necklace.”

I can picture it.

 Regardless, we can all rest assured that Lindsay’s not straightening out anytime soon. She’s like a 21st century Dennis the Menace, except high, with hair extensions and in heels. And while Los Angeles has to suffer to be a perpetual Mr. Wilson, heck, at least we’re entertained.

Its like a scene from here future!