Edward Cullen is NOT a Vampire!

Sparkle? You gotta be kidding me...

Sam Proofby Sam Proof


In my latest vlog I postulated about an epic battle of cursed creatures from some of the oldest none pantheon based mythos.

Who would win in a fight? Vampires Zombies or Werewolves?!

Feel free to weigh in on the debate.

But before you go off half cocked, I want to address something that has come up and I feel I need to address before you can truly make this accessment.

It seems the amount of variables for all three creatures can be as elusive and vague as a pair of panties to Lindsay Lohan. But the difference for just ‘What is a Vampire’ have been turned inside out and back around again.

The variables with zombies are ‘Fast or Slow’

Werewolves almost equally simple arguments ‘Controlled change vs Full Moon’

But vampires have a calve clad of what they can or can’t do and what their weakness are or aren’t… garlic, holy symbols, water, hair gel.

So What is a Vampire?

I’m going to answer that by stating – What is NOT a vampire.

In the modern day people have mucked up the vision of Vampires more than Charlie Sheen has mucked up the vision of what’s cool about doing coke.

Let’s get this out of the way right now – Vampires Don’t Sparkle.


Whatever JK Rowlings wannabe Counter (rhymes with ‘Steph please retire’) part has set in motion, Stop it.  That’s not accurate!

Edward Cullen is NOT a Vampire

  • He Doesn’t have Fangs
  • He Doesn’t Feed on Human Blood
  • Garlic – nothing
  • Holy symbols – nothing
  • Running water – no biggie
  • Turn in to Bat, Wolf, Frog, Mist, Dr. Pepper?! – NO
  • Can’t go in the Sun? – No
  • Spiky hair – Yes
  • Self Loathing – Yes
  • Winey and Douchey? – Weirdly yes

In fact the only thing Edward Cullen has in common with a Vampire is that he’s Pale – Which is odd since vampires are Pale because the Don’t go out in the Sunlight!

Based on these few factors – Spiky Hair, Sparkle in sunlight, hangs out in the woods my best guess is Edward Cullen is in fact a Wood Nymph.

So now you know what is NOT a Vampire. For more on "Real" Vampires, please watch Bram Stoker's Dracula, The Lost Boys, Let the Right One In.

Here are some fun vampire videos: