How Should We Punish The PSN Hacker?

Such an egregious act should be handled with swift and harsh justice!

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

When the PlayStation Network went down two weeks ago, millions of PSN users shook their fists with anger at Sony’s lackluster security system. While they were right to feel frustrated with Sony’s display of brazenness when it came to protecting their customers’ details, they weren’t the real villains of this debacle; that accolade goes to the asshole hacker. So how should we punish this oxygen thief?  We’ve got a few ideas that you may or may not want to follow through with when the media finds out the name of the sneaky li’l SOB. Just don’t tell him that we sent you.

Force him to repeatedly watch Nyan Cat

Do you remember that scene in A Clockwork Orange where Alex is forced to watch a series of violent and sexual clips which initially thrill him, but then slowly start to tear away at the very fiber of his being until he is left nothing but a quivering shell of his former self? Stick a man in the room with nothing but the Nyan Cat and you’ll get exactly the same reaction.

The Nyan Cat, if you somehow haven’t heard, is a YouTube video consisting entirely of a pixilated cat with a pop-tart for a body floating through space, shitting out rainbows, sound-tracked by what could only be described as Satan’s favorite J-Pop. Initially it’s awesome, but after the sixteenth co-worker has tweeted you a link to it and you can’t go to sleep without hearing “nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-n-n-n-nyan-nyan-nyan-n-n-n-n-nyan!” looping through your brain, it suddenly becomes the epitome of all that is wrong and evil with the world.

The hacker will go in a basement-dweller with an inferiority complex, and come out a homicidal maniac.

Ban him from Gears of War 3

Think of this attack not as a worrying threat to our financial security, friends, but as yet another battle in the Great Console War. Was this anonymous hacker really the renegade anti-capitalist on a mission to deflate the ego of a mega-corporation as suggested by the specialists? Or was he just an Xbox fanboy who saw the list of the PS3’s exclusive titles for 2011 and got a bit jealous?

My guess is the latter, and the only way to punish such envy is by taking away that which they love the most, and for 360 owners that can mean only one thing; GEARS OF FRICKIN’ WAR 3. Ban him from the servers and let the nerd-rage commence. After all, what else is he going to play with on his Xbox this year? The Kinect? Pfft.

Make him beat Shao Kahn for us; ALL of us

For those of you who bought Mortal Kombat for the PS3, I feel for you. After finding yourselves disappointed by the anti-climactic exclusive inclusion of Kratos, you then found yourselves unable to experience the awesome online King of the Hill mode. “No matter,” you thought, “I’ll just run through the Single-Player modes and unlock all of the cool bonuses.” And then along came Shao Kahn.

Going up against Shao Kahn incites so much rage that your life expectancy decreases by 4 days each time you lose a round to him. FACT. Now you calculate how many rounds he pummeled your ass in the story mode, the single-player ladder and the tag-ladder; that’s a lot of days of your life that the hacker now owes you. So, I urge you to put down your PS3 controller and wait until the moment when his details are made publicly available; we’ll bum rush the douche-bag and force him to defeat Shao Kunt for us.

Force him to test, GLaDOS style

Fortunately for PS3 owners, Portal 2 was more than enough to keep them occupied whilst PSN was down. Unfortunately for the hacker, all this time spent playing Portal 2 has given me an idea. I say we introduce him to spot of good ol’ fashioned testing.

Portal super-computer antagonist GLaDOS vents her frustrations with silent heroine Chell by forcing her to partake in a series of rigorous ‘tests’, which basically involve Chell getting from point A to point B using only the Portal gun and her wits. However, in reality there is no such thing as a portal gun, nor is there a wise-cracking super-computer that could control such an elaborate experiment whilst maintaining a sense of humor we can all appreciate.

What this means, then, is that the hackers testing would simply involve a room with a few doors and us shouting various expletives at him until he found the exit. Sounds like fun.