The Internet; it’s a bit like a city in a way, isn’t it? Big, bold, full of perverts. And if Comic Books have taught us anything, it’s that cities can’t function properly unless there’s some guy in a cape running around saving everybody. So who are the heroes (and villains) of the internet? Here are 5 I thought of whom you have unknowingly come into contact with.
A true anti-hero for the Twitter generation. Armed with a caps lock button and superhuman levels of idiocy, Captain Commenter flies through the Internet with lightning speed, saving the world from the evil threat of good grammar and well-formed opinions one comment at a time. His identity will forever remain a mystery (real heroes post anonymously), but you shall know where he has been from his endless trail of exclamation marks.
Along with stating his disapproval for pretty much everything, Captain Commenter also uses his aforementioned quickness to view popular YouTube videos before they’ve reached said popularity and hurriedly posts FIRST!!1, which proves to be of no real benefit to society, but hey, what’s the point in being a superhero if you don’t get to have a little fun every now and again?
The sworn nemesis of Captain Commenter, Dr. Articulate has made it his mission to thwart the onslaught of bad spelling and grammatical errors by posting long-winded comments detailing the threat to humanity they pose. His followers would say his implied lifestyle is one of logic and forethought, his many detractors would say he’s a total buzz kill. Even though he feels that what he is doing is for the “greater good”, he fails to recognize the hypocrisy in combating long, stupid, unnecessary comments by posting long, intelligent, unnecessary comments.
The internet has decreed that Nympho Girl is “really hot”. Has the internet ever seen Nympho Girl? A few times. Partially. Mainly from the side, really. But she is still REALLY HOT. Opting to spend her time patrolling image boards, Nympho Girl has made it her mission to cure blue-balls the world over, and armed with her set of semi-naked photos she’s doing a pretty good job of it. That is, until the Internet eventually learns of her dark secret; Nympho Girl is actually Steve, a 47 year-old IT consultant.
Nearly 3000 Facebook friends. A huge army of followers of Twitter. He also has thousands of followers on Tumblr, even though no one is entirely sure what that is. Network Man has firmly mastered the Internet, and is so proud of it that he doesn’t even care whether or not you learn of his alter-ego. In fact, he’s posed for several photos without his mask. He’s also posed for several photos without his shirt, but that’s all part of the package when you’re so dam e-popular. How did he accumulate such a following? Unfortunately, that’s the only mysterious thing about him.
He wanders the streets just like any other human being, leading his completely normal life with his completely normal job and going back home to his completely normal wife. But when he locks himself away in his Study and turns on his computer, no one knows exactly what he is up to. All his wife knows is that upon exiting, his internet history is cleared and his bank balance seems to be higher. As Tom Waits asked, “what’s he building in there?” No one will ever know, but he’s not the only one of his kind. There’s millions of them throughout the world, all controlling our virtual lives right from underneath our very noses. You say you want proof? Well, have you been playing Black Ops on your PS3 lately? Point proven.