How To Date A Guidette

Just in case you think snagging a girl like Snooki is actually a sane thought...

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Have you ever sat down and thought about what it would feel like to stick your dick into an orange? Of course you haven’t. So how does Snooki manage to get so many guys to bang her on the Jersey Shore?

But I shouldn’t discriminate. Hell, take a look at my name; Paul Tamburro. She’s one of my people. And as for the rest of those guidette’s, they aren’t so bad. Sure, they have mouths as wide as garbage cans but with twice as much shit spilling out of them, but do you mean to tell me that you haven’t once thought about giving one to JWoww? We’re all adults here. Just admit it you filthy bastard.

But you’re a reasonably intelligent, fully-functioning member of society – in other words, exactly the opposite of what these guidette’s are looking for in a guy. So how do you manage to bag yourself one? Well if you scroll down, you’ll find out. C’mon. You should know this by now.

 

Dress like a 13 year-old

When I hear criticism of Jersey Shore, I’m always surprised by the lack of judgement passed on the clothes worn by the male cast. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard the word ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ being thrown about in reference to the outfits worn by Snooki et al, but apparently leaving the house looking like this is entirely acceptable;

I mean what the flying FUCK is THAT? It’s fair enough that these guys manage to garner the attention of female passers-by when they’re roaming around the beach with their eight-packs out, but how do they manage it while they’re in clubs wearing clothes like these? The only conclusion I can come to is that guidette’s are so family-oriented that they find it a turn-on when a grown man has been dressed by his mother.

 

Acquire Skin Cancer

I go to tanning salons. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Okay, I’m slightly ashamed, but now that I’ve told you this I feel like we’ve grown a little bit closer, and that you won’t leave me a hate-filled message in the comments section concerning my flippant reference to skin cancer. But I digress; I go to tanning salons because here in England sunlight is a rarity, so anyone with a tan of any description stands out like a sexy sore thumb.

Interestingly, following the premiere of Jersey Shore, the amount of men going tanning increased tenfold, making for some rather awkward and emasculating conversations between me and the other guys waiting in line for the sun beds. This also meant that the women had to up their game, and now everyone in England walks around so brown they look like they’ve been rolling around in pig shit.

So is it a good look? Well, I asked a British version of a Guidette (or as we call them, ‘slags’) what she thought of a guy going tanning, and her exact response was “well it’s really gay, but every girl likes a guy with a tan”. So there you have it, folks. If you aren’t going to trust my opinion, then at least trust that of an anonymous acquaintance of mine.

 

Coin a popular catchphrase

Of the Jersey Shore men, Pauly D is easily the most likeable. I was trying to work out why this is, but then I came to the conclusion that it could only be one thing; his catchphrases. The only other member of the house who has coined a catchphrase is The Situation, but as his catchphrase is basically incorporating his ludicrous moniker into any situation (do you see what I did there?), it makes him seem even more of a world class pain in the balls. Pauly D’s catchphrases, on the other hand, are works of verbal art.

So what could you come up with that could ever be as wonderful as “cabs are here” or “t-shirt time”? I’ve got a few ideas that you I’ll let you have;

“The chicken’s done!” – Pro: Works well at dinner time.

                                        Con: Doesn’t work well when the dinner doesn’t involve chicken.

 

“It’s condom time!”     – Pro: It shows confidence.

                                        Con: Is kind of a weird thing to say when you aren’t having sex.

 

“My erection’s here!”  – Pro: Lets women know you’re attracted to them.

                                        Con: Is it a bit rapey.

 

Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

 

Get the body of a Greek statue…

…only without the tiny penis. The effort required to obtain Ronnie’s body would equate to around two semi-dedicated years of your life or, if you’re a lazy bugger, a few hundred dollars worth of anabolic steroids. To be honest the steroids are probably the more preferable option, as the other would require you going to the gym which, let’s face it, is full of men so vainglorious that if they were to take a break from bench-pressing to masturbate into their own mouths, everyone would just look at them apathetically and shrug their shoulders in acceptance.

But if you’ve watched at least 2 minutes of the Jersey Shore, you will have heard Snooki/JWoww/that other one state their undying love for ‘juiceheads’, a special breed of muscle men who are so ripped that their forearms are completely indistinguishable from their upper legs.  The only option, then, is for you to somehow acquire the body of a demi-God. I would give you advice on how to do this, but I’m too preoccupied with sitting on my arse and eating Cheetos. Who says men can’t multitask?

 

Photo Courtesy of:  WENN.com