The Wolfpack made their way back onto cinema screens last week, and we were all promptly reminded that no matter how bad we may feel following a rough night on the bricks, we’ll at least never wake up in Bangkok with a facial tattoo and a butt naked Chinaman.
That’s not to say we haven’t had some bad hangovers of our own, though. Some mornings we’ve woken up with a headache so profound that performing a DIY lobotomy seems like the only reasonable option. But we’re busy people with things to do and lives to lead; how can we get back on our feet and still look as reasonable as we did the night before? Here’s a collection of helpful tips that we’ve compiled just for you.
Buy a pair of awesome sunglasses
Ever wondered how Bradley Cooper still manages to look so damn cool in The Hangover, even though his hair looks like it’s been greased back with butter and his shirt dragged through a pig farm? Easy; his awesome sunglasses. Providing protection from the dreaded morning sun whilst also acting as a force field between your suspiciously bloodshot eyes and sober passers-by, purchasing a classy pair of ray-ban aviators will ensure that you can still exit the safe confines of your bed without worrying about physically repulsing anyone who looks in your direction.
An early morning Starbucks before you clock into work always seems like a good idea, and you would think a shot of caffeine straight into your system would act as the perfect antidote to the slurred speech and drowsiness incurred by a night of doing body shots off of fat girls. But that’s where you’re wrong; while caffeine will give you a temporary lift, it will also dehydrate you further, causing you to develop a wicked case of dry mouth. So put that overpriced Espresso Macchiato down, soldier.
Use ‘revitalising’ Shower Gel
A long night out can cause you to wake up in the morning with worn, blemished skin that will be completely unacceptable if you’re planning on doing anything other than spending all day in your underwear watching increasingly pointless reality television. This is why you should always have revitalising shower gel at hand.
My personal recommendation would be Axe Recover; it dries out your skin slightly but leaves you feeling like you could take on the world again. If you’d rather go with something that will leave you looking a little less ‘flaky’, I’d suggest anything containing Eucalyptus or Mint extracts. Sure, they both cause a weird tingling sensation that means you should keep them far away from your genitals, but beauty always has come with a price.
Walk your Dog
One of the best cures for a hangover is fresh air; unfortunately it’s difficult to embrace Mother Nature when every time you move your head throbs as if your ears were being penetrated. This is where Man’s Best Friend comes in. A dog is completely reliant upon you as its primary source of entertainment, and as such you should be walking it every day. There’s no way you’d ordinarily leave your house in such a state, but with a cute ‘ickle doggy barking at you for his daily walk, you’ve really got no other choice.
Walk him to the local park and clear your sore head; the exercise and the sunlight on your face will do you good, while your dog not knowing how to speak English will also mean that you won’t have to engage in any useless conversation that would only serve to worsen your already foul mood.
Don’t start drinking again
The most entertaining way to prevent a hangover is to simply start drinking again. However, this doesn’t cure it so much as postpone it; by slumping yourself across the bar the morning after the evening before all you’re really doing is ensuring that when you do eventually sober up, your headache will be so overwhelmingly vulgar that all you can really do is lie motionless in a self-induced coma for the next 2 days, questioning why on earth you ever came to the conclusion that this would be a good idea.
Stick to good ol’ tasteless water. Sure it’s infinitely more boring, but at least you won’t wake up filled with all the regret of a ten dollar hooker.