How To Turn Your Girlfriend Into A Gamer

That is, if you want to share time on your system...

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Many a nerd has spent countless years of their lives devoted to the pursuit of the mythical creature known as the ‘Gamer Girl’. Although their existence is often hinted at in online forums and such, seeing one IRL is an almost impossible feat that can only be accomplished by the luckiest of questers.

So why not take the easy route and simply turn your current girlfriend into one? That way you can obtain this oft-desired specimen of woman without actually having to leave the confines of your mother’s basement and your level 72 Paladin.

Here are 4 tips to help you slowly and meticulously mould her into the person you want her to be;

Suck her in with a decent narrative

You may have thought that a popular game such as Black Ops would make for a good introduction into the world of gaming, but you’re terribly wrong. Whereas men are naturally inveigled by ‘splosions and badass soldiers, the fairer sex are a lot more indifferent to testosterone-riddled FPS’ and instead require something with a little more depth.

A good excuse, then, to drop $60 on LA Noire; she’ll instantly feel at ease with the murder-mystery storyline (you have endless repeats of CSI to thank for that) and the gameplay is so linear that it’s not really like playing a video game at all. Perfect.

If LA Noire is too long-winded for her (which, at 25 hours long, it probably will be) give her Heavy Rain instead. Just don’t be surprised if she comes away suffering with severe emotional trauma after accidentally killing Ethan for the fourteenth time.

KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE WII

It is disappointing when a female optimistically labels herself as a ‘gamer girl’, only for you to find out that in actuality she owns a Wii and a copy of Carnival Games. While I am not prejudiced against Nintendo’s little white box of mediocrity (okay, so maybe I am), the further away you drag her from the kid-friendly games of the Wii the more likely you are to be able to ingratiate her with your collection of favorites.

While the Wii does have its merits (such as the intense workout given to both your wrists and your upper arms), it simply cannot compete with the 360’s and PS3’s of this world, and you should make this fact abundantly clear to your Mrs. After doing this, just sit and pray to God that she doesn’t buy a Kinect.

Get her hooked on addictive XBLA/PSN Games

XBLA and PSN should really advertise to couples more, because one quick flick through their respective game libraries showcases a myriad of titles that are ideally played when in the company of your spouse. Puzzlers are greatly represented, and as they are perhaps the only genre of game that appeals equally to both sexes (presenting a tough challenge for the competitive male whilst also being a quirky and addictive time-waster for the female), you’ll want to get investing in as many MS Points as possible.

Honestly, all you need do is put on Braid or Peggle for a few hours, and you’ve already made a great deal of progress in converting your lady into a fully-fledged Gamer Girl. Just stay clear of the Indie Games Marketplace. One playthrough of Try Not To Fart is all it will take to send her running back to Carnival Games.

Don’t play the games with her

Connecting your second controller and going toe-to-toe with her might seem like a good idea at first, but after you’ve spent half an hour laughing at her inadequacies whilst shooting her directly in the forehead it’s probably a safe bet that she won’t want to play with you anytime soon.

Maybe your whole goal in reading this article was to find a way to convince her to play Black Ops with you. If so I am eternally sorry that I have disappointed, but it is completely out of my power to offer you advice on such things. It’s best that you simply put the controller down and allow her to be killed by anonymous CoD nerds online. Sure, your K/D will suffer dramatically, but at least the reasoning behind her breaking up with you won’t be your spamming of the AK-74u.

 

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