Signs She’s a Closet B*tch

Most guys pride themselves on being able to spot a prospective b*tch in under seven seconds.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

But most guys are kidding themselves. This is only true, if say, they see a woman screaming at her boyfriend for not returning her 47 text messages, or for bringing her a bagel that was medium toasted and not lightly toasted. But today folks, we’re studying a different breed, a breed so slick it usually slides underneath the male radar. The Closet Bitch (now referred to as a “CB”). But it never gets past this woman (me). Why? Because it takes one to know one. Here are the signs.

1. She bad mouths other women. This is the red flag of CBs. This is their way of life. A CB will often drop a faint trickle of female bad-mouthing when you first meet her—buckle up for when she gets comfy, because that trickle is going to turn into a stream. A flood, if you will. Men, men, men. I’m not talking about blatant bad mouthing. I’m not talking about her complaining about some skank who spread a rumor about her vagina being gnarly or made fun of her shoes. I’m talking about the more insidious form of bad mouthing, the kind that you really have to place your b.s. detector settings on sensitive to find. This refers to her making subtle put-downs on other women, such as getting off the phone with a friend and saying, “God, she’s so needy” or “She just likes to talk about her period”. Beware. This is the type of woman who probably duct-taped some naked girl to a chair during a sorority hazing season, peed on her, and then stuck her in an elevator at a convention center.

2. She cannot give anyone a ride ever. These CBs always have some reason why they can’t give you a ride. Like: “Oh I need to get home” because they realize they’re the only people on planet earth that have this need at the end of the night when bars close. And if somehow, they do give you a ride to some event, they come up with some snide remark like, “I can only have two drinks, since I’m driving”. Ho, you would’ve been driving even if I hadn’t been in your car.;

3. She never offers to pay for food/drinks/tickets/whathaveyou. This is the universal symbol of CBs. Some CBs expect you to pay for everything all the time no matter what: from the stick of gum she chews after the meal to the bottle of water she drinks at the movie, it’s all on your dime. Other CBs will just pay for their stuff, masquerading in the idea that going dutch is modern and cool. But wouldn’t it be nice to take a girl out, order a drink and have her cover it? Just once?! Or are women around simply to drain men? I’m just saying beware: a CB will give you nothing free. She will nickel and dime you to the end.

4. She talks to other men the moment your back is turned. Now men, this is not Amish country or Afghanistan. Surely a woman is within her rights to talk to other men, accompanied by you or not. With CBs, it becomes a pattern; a pattern based on their inherent, childhood-originating-insecurity and thus psychotic need for male attention. You’re gone for one minute and she’s chatting it up with random dudes number one and two. It happens a lot; it happens more than once. And this is the sinister nature of CBs. If you bring it up, she acts like you’re some caveman that doesn’t want her to talk to others. How dare you. If you don’t bring it up, you feel castrated, and rightly so. You dared to go to the john, and she’s waving in some other dude, who now thinks he has a chance of a night in her pants.

Final Words: Once you spot a CB, either run like your face is melting, or bang her and then run like your face is melting. But if you decide on a course of action that does not have the word “run” in it, you’ll be sorry. I know all my exes are.