Reasons to Hate Hipsters, Part Four

More reasons to hate hipsters, from Lane.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

So, you didn’t think I’d have any juice left to come up with another article on the exact same topic I’ve been writing about all week? Well, I call that naïve on a plate. Let’s keep the hate train going.


1. They don’t have jobs. It’s hard to tolerate pissing and moaning from someone who doesn’t have a job and doesn’t pay taxes. I know of many hipsters that embrace this bohemian lifestyle of scrounging and talking about growing vegetables from window box gardens, when actually they’re living off handouts from mom and dad, or, most often not surprisingly, a trust fund. Ha ho! As we both know, some hipsters do have jobs, these are the ones you see looking bored and glaring at you from behind the register at an off-the-radar coffee shop or a record store. But those aren’t real jobs, that’s just for their PBR money (see part two)  and iPhone bill. And to show off their new neon bracelets or tattoo. Don’t forget that.  I’m serious, it’s the parents most often covering the rent and that’s a load of crap. Anyone who doesn’t have to worry or think about paying their rent needs an arse-kick for complaining EVER about anything.


2. These are some vain mother-f*ckers. Listen, if you don’t believe me, go to the Facebook page of your neighborhood hipster. You’re not just going to find hundreds of photos. You’re going to find hundreds of the most inflated, pose-y pictures that just scream “I wish I were in a Calvin Klein advertisement. I took too much Ambien.” Their pictures often show them with other hipsters, gloriously laying about each other on floors or bathtubs (yep) in really gross, we-are-so-chic-and-so-artsy poses, that it really makes you want to barf. It’s like they’re flaunting how anti-establishment they are by invading each other’s personal spaces like Charlie Sheen at an orgy. Hipsters are often fond of yick-y pictures that show them making out with each other in random places so that they can revel in the symbolism—I’m talking about places like dumpsters or in cages or industrial sized cake batter mixing bowls. Eh.


3. They like to make people uncomfortable. And you know what? I find it pretty f-ing juvenile. Now keep in mind the average hipster only enjoys such things when they’re in packs. The average hipster, while scorning the conformity of the masses (that’s you and me, reader) only feel really safe, when they’re surrounded by the reassurance and conformity of their group (FYI: half of their group has beards and mustaches, the other half has short pixie cuts with weirdo bangs and the rest are one or two long haired people). When the hipster is in their group— watch out, man! Watch out! We are talking about people who are loud, bizarre, erratic and attention-getting. Hipsters are not the peaceful, zen-seeking hippies of the sixties, even though they may have loosely evolved from such creatures. Hipsters will do interpretive gymnastics in coffee shops with feather boas. Hipsters will frolic naked in front of you (if you’re invited to their house party by some oversight) strumming ukuleles in straw fedoras and laughing at your discomfort because you’re not as evolved as they are.


If you care about the fate of society, the next time you witness this BS, you tell that hipster, "Hey! Get up off the floor and put some clothes on. There are children around!"