Surviving the (Alleged) Hipster Apocalypse

How to protect yourself when hipsters destroy the world!

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

We've spoken a lot this week about hipsters. I've said a lot of negative things about them. A close friend of mine and I had a conversation last night about them. He said that I shouldn't be unfair to hipsters and assume they all follow a stereotype. He said there are some cool hipsters out there, guys with the same ideals but who aren't bastards. I apologize, because I wasn't clear. I'm not using the term 'hipster' like some sort of clique classification system. I'm slinging it like the insult it is.

You know what I call cool people that act kind of like hipsters? People. But when I use the term hipster, I use it to indicate people who both fit the stereotype, and fall within the parameters of people I despise. I'm sorry if this caused any confusion. If you are a good person, and you mistakenly think you are a hipster, please don't feel judged by these articles. I'm biased against hipsters. I don't deny that for an instant. But I'm not talking about any decent people here. I'm talking about the kind of hipsters that are going to destroy the world.

This is the way the world ends: Not with a bang, but with a nasal whine.

People have been talking for a few years about how hipsters are going to destroy the world. And they're not, of course. They said the same thing about rock & roll, and woman's suffrage. But neither are zombies, and the CDC released a manifest detailing survival techniques anyway. So I have decided, similarly, to both describe and guide you through this apparently imminent 'hipster apocalypse'.

It goes like this. Hipsters represent the worst of society. Apathy, sloth, deliberate contrariety, and general douchiness. As their population grows, the world stops functioning the way it should. Imagine if entire factories shut down because corporations are evil, man. All the subway drivers quit because they can't follow the path laid out for them. Everyone would be smoking, but nobody would be farming the tobacco. Do you get the picture I'm painting?

"Nourishment is just so overrated…"

As the very fabric of society unravels, those faithful to our sincerity become trapped in an increasingly dysfunctional world. Remember, I'm not saying this would ever, ever happen. The pundits who say that it will are using sensationalist nonsense to scare you, because that's how they get viewership and advertisers. This is not a threat. Hipsters are as benign as they are annoying. But, if you're worried that they might be, pay attention to what follows.

The first thing you need is protection. The hipsters will be roaming the streets, looking for food. It's likely that, after clearing out every organic food store in a week, in the throes of starvation, they may come to the conclusion that cannibalism is the ultimate irony. Fortunately, there are a few simple ways to repel the beasts while avoiding bloodshed. I mean, if you want bloodshed, that's pretty easy. Kill them. They're wimps. And they're scared of pretty much everything. Their guys are more effeminate then our gays. But, if like me, you feel weird about mass murder, turning them away is a better route.

I guess it's just not my kind of thing.

Hipsters naturally shy away from a number of things. If you get a large group together, they'll avoid you because you're too popular. If you can't manage that, you can try listening loudly to music a lot of people listen to, or dress in business casual and look like a responsible adult. These things will fend them off, and hopefully keep them at bay long enough for you to get to your next destination.

Now that you're protected, you need to find supplies, particularly food. At this point, all the Whole Foods and Trader Joe's will be cleared out, so you're going to have to find a lower quality market. On the coasts, you're gonna have to find a grocery store and pray there's a number of other handy stores nearby. In the middle of the country (aka, from the eastern tip of LA to the western tip of NYC), you guys have the bane of all that is hipster: Walmart.

This week's special, Kryptonite, three for $5!!!

It may seem silly, but it will save your life. Not only does Walmart have everything you could possibly need to survive a few decades, but most hipsters will avoid it. They view it as the ultimate evil corporation, and it's extremely popular all over the world. In fact, you could probably stay there the rest of your life and be safe. There's only one problem now. You may be safe, but the rest of the world has fallen apart. How do we save humanity?

It's a long shot, but I've got an idea. I think we can turn most of them back. Using the various tools available in your local Walmart, record audio or video of yourself explaining why sincerity is so important, and why cool is actually cool. Do your best demagogue, make it convincing. Because if you make a convincing argument, and broadcast it once, in a dive bar in Peoria, you may single handedly change the world.

The hipsters will be blocking out anything using major airwaves, but if it's a little speech that nobody's heard before, they'll go nuts. They'll listen to it, and play it for their friends. Suddenly, it spreads, like a virus of intelligence. Clarity and understanding plague the horde. Soon, those who could have changed have. Renouncing their hipster ways, they will do the first completely genuine thing they've ever done- eat the rest of the hipsters. You see, they'll already have been cannibals, which is difficult to reconcile with mainstream moral values. Cannibalism will become the new 'it' crowd. But we will accept them, because they may be creepy as hell, and deeply unnerving, but they won't bring about the end of society like the hipsters did. Cause people who eat people are people all the same, unlike hipsters.