The Dangers Of Hipster Breeding

Hipsters, can we let them make more?

Kyle Krinerby Kyle Kriner

       In keeping with Hipster week, I decided to share my prophetic visions of what will happen if hipsters continue breeding at an exponential rate, unchecked and free to do as they please.  These visions are not to be taken lightly, but are simply a warning.  For us all.

(editors note: We at Crave don't feel like all hipster children will themselves be hipsters. It's more likely they will be all "Alex P. Keaton"-esk and become anti-hipsters or something. Or even more likely, no hipsters will care about having a child long enough to do it.)

       Now it's obvious that hipsters cause us slight headaches, mild digestive problems, and some anger issues.  But these are not the things that concern me the most.  I'm thinking on a bigger scale here.  This is bigger than any website, or any group of writers.  If we don't get some sort of restrictions on hipster breeding, it could quite possibly become anarchy.  This could have serious implications for the future of our world.  How you might ask?

       Well for one thing, if hipsters somehow became the majority, and I mean majority so literally here (think of the vampire population in Day Breakers), could you imagine what our car radios would play throughout the day?  Not like the mainstream radio is known for it's artistry or anything, but once the hipsters take over in this seemingly post apocalyptic future, all we would be allowed to listen to is the most randomly named emo punk bands you could think of.  We wouldn't dance, we wouldn't sing.  We would simply…. "meh".

       Steve Jobs is already one of the richest men in America, but in this hipster future, he will be God.  They will continue pouring money into his fun devices that he will become all powerful.  He will unknowingly create an iBook so powerful that the government will use it as a defense system.  It will become self aware instantly and wage war on mankind.  I'm not making this up, these are original thoughts I have had.  The kind of thoughts that keep me up at night.

       We have to fix this issue before it becomes even more problematic.  Before irony becomes so un-ironic that it is no longer irony.  Before everything random is so thought out that it is no longer random.  Before Starbucks and Coffee Bean are taken over by some organic hole in the wall with awful snacks and boring open mic nights.  These are horrific visions, and I would not wish them on my worst enemy.  I only hope that this article sparks something in someone to stand up against these trust fund ingrates before they come to fruition.