Its not always easy to write new exciting articles for the comedy section here on Crave. Well at least it’s not easy to come up with topics is the point I am making.
Recently I considered writing an article about an employee at this coffee shop I frequent. When I asked to get the key to the bathroom he said “See you soon”. See you soon!? Is that creepy to anyone else? He’s handing me a bathroom key, he says “See you soon!” and the only thing I can see in my head is the word RAPE in big red letters.
I almost didn’t use the bathroom. Almost.
So in a fit of writers block I asked my friends for some topics and someone suggested furries. For those of you not familiar, "furries" are people that dress up and identify with animals. Many furry enthusiasts are harmless people who just really like wolves and role-playing.
But some furries also like to bang each other while dressed as the cast of "Where the Wild Things Are".
I was going to write “What’s up with Furries Ya’ll?!?!?” When suddenly I remembered that for a year in college I was in love with my school's mascot: A huge (and decidedly male) bald eagle, who I believe wore a vest.
If that doesn't turn you on, let me explain...
I am not saying I was in love with Clawed (his name was Clawed) in that “I love these teams so much, I love their mascot too” sort of way. I am saying I wanted to take the eagle to bed. Well... more specificily the girl inside the mascot...
Yes, there is a girl involved. Read on.
My senior year at American University, in Washington DC, I was infatuated with a girl I met frequently on campus. She was also a senior, so our paths crossed more then once in our day to day routines. Lets call her “Jane”, which is not her name, but much less creepy then calling her Clawed.
So I was smitten with Jane something fierce. She was exactly my type, and being ballsy I told her so frequently. What I didn’t know is that she was the lucky girl who got to run around inside the schools mascot; a large, stately eagle called Clawed.
This is Clawed, but without a vest. I still think he had a vest.
So while I courted Jane in her human guise, I also rubbed elbows with her as Clawed, but was none the wiser.
Schools keep the mascot's human identity a close secret. I'm guessing it's to avoid reprisals or kidnappings, or just so the mascots feel free to go crazy on the field.
Let me tell you folks that while its a hard path to follow, persistence is a strong aphrodisiac (when its not all stalkery) and after a month or so of my insistence that Jane and I should go out she started to see it my way! But she decided that instead of throwing herself into my arms right away, she should “test” me in the guise of Clawed. The "how" and "why" this made sense to her would be best left to our collective imaginations.
These tests basically meant that whenever I attended a school function the big eagle would make its way over to me and shower me with attention. It started innocently enough with Clawed listening in on conversations or playfully challenging me with pantomime. All the while Jane was gaging my reactions from inside the suit.
Over time it got stranger. Clawed would sit on my lap... or hug me.. or hug me and grab my butt.
The king of birds was courting me.
Do I have the furry audience back in yet? Good. I'll continue.
Press the button to continue the story...
Now I had no idea who was inside the suit. Was it a girl or a guy? Or was it a robot programmed to dance at basketball games? Though it disappointed me, I knew it was not a robot...as it had soft butt squeezing hands. I should mention here that Jane was maybe 100lbs and built like a ballet dancer (because she was one) and the Clawed suit was not much bigger than her, so I had some evidence it was a girl in there, but no proof.
While the strange furry mating ritual carried on, the real Jane and I started to date. While sharing a romantic evening in the school cafeteria she let slip that she was Clawed and had been checking me out ala-eagle for some time now. It seemed romantic and sweet at the time, and still does.
But now I knew Clawed and Jane were one and the same. And that changed the nature of public school events forever. They became more...erotic.
Okay, so I knew the giant dancing (and I SWEAR vest wearing) eagle was secretly my girlfriend, and I further knew that because the Clawed suit was so hot she had to be naked or next to naked inside it. Just imagining her breathing heavy from all those cartwheels... I think you get the point.
If you’ve never been turned on by a giant eagle cheering on a soccer team, well you’re missing out.
When a giant red, white, and blue eagle points at your during a cheer and you know it means you’re making out after the game; its a whole new kinda strange.
Of course our contact when she was Clawed was less frequent after her identity was revealed. Its one thing to check out a guy you’re interested in while safely hidden in an eagle costume, and its a whole other thing to sit on his lap once you both start dating. I think it probably would have violated some contract she had with the school. Or it should have. Either way it didn’t happen.
By the end of our time together I had added “eagle suit” to the list of outfit that I considered sexy, right along with push up bra’s and silk stockings. Its strange what context can do for an outfit.
But all good things do come to an end, and just over a year later Jane and I parted ways. I’ll just say here for the record that it was very much my fault. Even this far away from that breakup I still feel the fallout. So quickly the eagle suit lost its luster, and instead became a living, dancing symbol of the one I let get away.
Getting teary eyed at the sight of a dancing eagle costume at a baseball game is very hard to explain to your friends.
I ended up staying at American University for another year, but Jane graduated, and as you might expect they replaced Clawed. I never found out who was inside the suit that year, but they never gave me testing hugs or suggestive “come hither” finger jestures.
I guess the real story is one of myself and Jane and not Clawed. I certainly never found any other eagles attractive. I never spent hours watching and rewinding old Muppet show episodes containing Sam the American Eagle. It is really a story about “ its whats inside that counts” because in this case inside the big silly eagle was a hot naked girlfriend.
That is also why I love novelty cakes. Inside... its cake!
Ok... how amazing is this cake!?!?!
I don’t really know how to qualify this time in my life. Was is it my brief experimentation with being a furry? I doubt it. Was it the most romantic story of my young life? Nope. I like to think of it as the most patriotic I have ever been. Some people may have donated to saving the bald eagles... but hell I dated one.
So that’s the story of me and Jane/Clawed, and I hope you liked it, because I’ve been in this coffee shop for a long time and now I don’t know where that creepy employee went. God I hope I don’t “See Him Soon” ick...
Oh I should mention here that American University is a great school. You should totally go there, especially if you want a degree in government or media. I can't gurentee you'll date the mascot, but I'd bet your stories will be as colorful as mine.
Have a strange romantic story to share with us here at CraveOnline? Write to CraveOnlineComedy@Gmail.com and share you’re story. I might mention it here on Crave. Also what was your college or high school mascot? Tweet me care of @SaxCarr or @CraveOnline and let me know.