July 2011 Movie Guide

Look who's about to blow up the big screen.... (also: lots of other movies hitting this month!)  

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud

With Summer's heat in full swing and every free spot in front of the fans & air conditioners taken, movie theaters beckon us in with promises of arctic temperatures and icy-cold beverages. Sure, the tickets cost your firstborn and that tasty soda will drive you to bankruptcy, but what's important is that Captain America is hitting theaters this month, as well as a handful of others you're not going to want to miss! Check out our July 2011 Movie Guide for all you need to know about releases this month!

 

TERRI

Starring: John C. Reilly, Jacob Wysocki, Bridger Zadina

Directed By: Azazel Jacobs

Opening:July 1

Orphaned to an uncle who is fading away, mercilessly teased by his peers and roundly ignored by his teachers, Terri is alienated and alone. When the dreaded vice-principal sees something of himself in Terri, they establish a friendship which opens Terri up to the possibility that life is not something to be endured, but something to be shared, and even enjoyed.

CraveOnline's Call:  An oddball heartwarmer about an unlikely friendship based on dysfunction? It worked for Bad Santa, didn't it?


 

LARRY CROWNE

Starring: Tom Hanks, Sarah Mahoney, Roxana Ortega, Brady Rubin

Directed By: Tom Hanks

Opening:July 1

When appealing everyman Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks) is inexplicably fired from his job as a big box store clerk, he realizes it’s time for some meaningful change in his life. Deeply in debt and without direction, he returns to college where he befriends a group of scooter-riding students and eventually develops a real affection for his beautiful speech class instructor, Mercedes Tainot (Julia Roberts).

CraveOnline's Call:  Early reviews aren't exactly promising, with one critic calling the pacing "at once comfortably assured and frustratingly slack". This looks like feel-good coasting for menopausal women who need to get out of the Summer sun for a couple hours. If you're not one, skip it.


 

HORRIBLE BOSSES

Starring: Jason Bateman, Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Jamie Foxx,

Directed By: Seth Gorgon

Opening:July 8

For Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Dale (Charlie Day), the only thing that would make the daily grind more tolerable would be to grind their intolerable bosses (Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell, Jennifer Aniston) into dust. Quitting is not an option, so, with the benefit of a few-too-many drinks and some dubious advice from a hustling ex-con (Jamie Foxx), the three friends devise a convoluted and seemingly foolproof plan to rid themselves of their respective employers…permanently. There's only one problem: even the best laid plans are only as foolproof as the brains behind them.

CraveOnline's Call:With Aniston's box-office poison and Colin Farrell's weird forehead-enlarging wig, things don't look too promising for this yuppie office comedy. Biggest red flag: the "raunchy" sex scene with Aniston is being touted quite heavily, despite the total lack of nudity. Forgetting Sarah Marshall made some money this way as well. We all know how that worked out.

 


 

ZOOKEEPER

Starring: Kevin James, Rosario Dawson, Adam Sandler, Jon Favreau

Directed By: Frank Coraci

Opening:July 8

In Zookeeper, the animals at the Franklin Park Zoo love their kindhearted caretaker, Griffin Keyes (Kevin James). Finding himself more comfortable with a lion than a lady, Griffin decides the only way to get a girl in his life is to leave the zoo and find a more glamorous job. The animals, in a panic, decide to break their time-honored code of silence and reveal their biggest secret: they can talk! To keep Griffin from leaving, they decide to teach him the rules of courtship – animal style. The film also stars Rosario Dawson and Leslie Bibb and features the voices of Cher, Nick Nolte, Adam Sandler, and Sylvester Stallone

CraveOnline's Call:You do remember how bad Night at the Museum was, correct? And Paul Blart: Mall Cop was like pulling fingernails. This is roughly a mix of the two, but with talking animals. In other words, hell no.


 

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 2

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Gary Oldman

Directed By: David Yates

Opening:July 15

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, is the final adventure in the Harry Potter film series. The much-anticipated motion picture event is the second of two full-length parts. In the epic finale, the battle between the good and evil forces of the wizarding world escalates into an all-out war. The stakes have never been higher and no one is safe. But it is Harry Potter who may be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice as he draws closer to the climactic showdown with Lord Voldemort. It all ends here.

CraveOnline's Call:You've read the books, you've seen the 37 films leading up to this, you've gone to Hogwarts' Magic Kingdom or whatever the hell it is and spent your college savings on Harry's wand (made in China, no magic included)… so you may as well complete the cycle and go watch the final send-off. But for everyone else, this franchise has gotten as boring as a marathon monopoly game with Grandma at hour five.


 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Starring: Chris Evans, Hugo Weaving, Tommy Lee Jones

Directed By: Joe Johnston

Opening:July 22

Born during the Great Depression, Steve Rogers grew up a frail youth in a poor family. Horrified by the newsreel footage of the Nazis in Europe, Rogers was inspired to enlist in the army. However, because of his frailty and sickness, he was rejected. Overhearing the boy’s earnest plea, General Chester Phillips offered Rogers the opportunity to take part in a special experiment… Operation: Rebirth. After weeks of tests, Rogers was at last administered the ‘Super-Soldier Serum’ and bombarded by ‘vita-rays.’ Steve Rogers emerged from the treatment with a body as perfect as a body can be and still be human. Rogers was then put through an intensive physical and tactical training program. Three months later, he was given his first assignment as Captain America. Armed with his indestructible shield and battle savvy, Captain America has continued his war against evil both as a sentinel of liberty and leader of the Avengers.

CraveOnline's Call:  This does not need discussion. We're already in our seats, waiting for you to arrive. Bring the popcorn.

 


 

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Starring: Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone

Directed By: Will Gluck

Opening:July 22

Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and Jamie (Mila Kunis) think it's going to be easy to add the simple act of sex to their friendship, despite what Hollywood romantic comedies would have them believe. They soon discover however that getting physical really does always lead to complications.

CraveOnline's Call:  This wasn't very good when it came out a few months ago and they called it No Strings Attached. Replacing Kutcher with Timberlake may help the odds of first-week success, but we're not that stupid.


 

COWBOYS &  ALIENS

Starring: Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde, Sam Rockwell

Directed By: Jon Favreau

Opening:July 29

Based on the Malibu Comics graphic novel that mixes Western and science fiction genres. Set in 1800s Arizona, a skirmish between cowboys and Apaches is interrupted by the crash landing of a space ship. The alien commander plans to tame the Old West and enslave everyone, but the cowboys and Native Americans turn their six-guns against the alien invaders.

CraveOnline's Call:Popcorn's popped, seats reserved, alien invasion kit secured. Let's do this.


 

THE SMURFS

Starring: Neil Patrick Harris, Sofia Vergara

Directed By: Raja Gosnell

Opening:July 29

The Smurfs make their first 3D trip to the big screen in Columbia Pictures’/Sony Pictures Animation’s hybrid live-action and animated family comedy, The Smurfs. When the evil wizard Gargamel chases the Smurfs out of their village, they’re forced through a portal, out of their world and into ours, landing in the middle of New York’s Central Park. Just three apples high and stuck in the Big Apple, the Smurfs must find a way to get back to their village before Gargamel tracks them down.

CraveOnline's Call:As the Hollywood miners dig deeper and deeper into our childhoods, spewing toxic regurgitation as they extract and retard our precious memories of youth, we are left hopeless on the sidelines while a new generation accepts these bastardizations as original reality. I've had it up to my smurf with these smurfing smurfs thinking they can carelessly smurf up every smurfing smurf from our smurfhoods.